In
the two short months that have comprised what we know as the year 2002 AD, we've seen some
crazy things. A couple of Canadians took home the Olympic gold and silver in the same
event, while the "Axis of Evil" was skunked in Olympic competition. The Portland
Trailblazers are actually playing some good basketball, and for some reason, I can't seem
to watch a couple hours of MTV without seeing either Tough Enough or sitting through 147
plugs for "Crossroads." All of these things have been important to my 2002
experience, and I'd like to offer up a little list of the top ten noisemakers that this
year has offered me.
10.) Ottavio Cinquanta: OK, I
admit that I know nothing of this guy, but with a name that smooth, this is one hombre to
admire. This guy took control of "Skategate," or as I like to call it,
"Whoreallygivesacrapabouticedancinggate." (I know it's long, sound it out.) When
you have to deal with some fur-wearing, habitual liar from France messing with the
results, you shouldn't have time to look that damn smooth. My hat is off to you, Ottavio
"Muy Suave" Cinquanta.
9.) Sasha Cohen: Yeah, I'll admit it, I watched a little figure skating
this year and actually enjoyed it thanks to this little cutie. The emphasis, of course, is
on little. This chick looks to be 5'1" on a good day, and you know, seeing a short,
cute girl twirl around on the ice and smile just fired me right up. Of course, she's only
coming in at 16 years of age, so we're all going to have to wait with baited breath for
yet another hottie to come of age, as if any of us had a chance. (And you thought it was
bad with the Olsen twins.) Sure, there are better looking girls out there, and sure, I've
dated a few of them. But none of them had the leg muscles to pull off a lutz of any kind.
Sasha, I know you're out there, just remember that there's an up-and-coming sportswriter
out there that digs you.
8.) Ruben Patterson: Good ol' Rube. Since taking control of the
Blazers' front office, "Trader" Bob Whitsitt has managed to trade away Jermaine
O'Neal for Dale Davis and sign Shawn "What white powder" Kemp to a multi-year
contract. Trading O'Neal for the reason of needing more rebounding showed a total lack of
foresight, and allowing Kemp to play for a contending team just confirmed the fact.
However, the Blazers got a jewel out of Patterson. This is one of the few guys in the
league that I can actually watch and think he gives half a crap about what's going on
during the game. The guy hustles like crazy. And when you match him up with Ruben
Boumjte-Boumjte, you've got the best pair of Rubens this side of a Philly cafe.
7.) The guys behind the Pepsi March Madness game: I can't get enough of
this game. I've disavowed all knowledge of the negative effects of caffeine on my system
to purchase a Mountain Dew Code Red a couple times a week just to see what oddball college
team I'll find under the cap. I don't know where these guys find them, but I've found the
strangest college teams under my caps. Honestly, I think I'm getting Division III teams
now. Next thing I know, I'll be looking at Clatsop Community College, who I know first
hand only has a team in the Astoria City League. After pulling such national powerhouses
as Southeastern Louisiana University, Prairie View A&M University, and the University
of Texas-Arlington, I'm left wondering what's next. However, unlike the last four years or
so, I have managed to collect the cap of the Florida Gators, a team that actually has a
shot at doing something in the tournament. You better believe I'll be doing the Gator
Chomp this March. Bring on my free team jersey!
6.) Tough Enough 2: I loved the original, and the second one is looking
like it's going to be even better. From the dude with the bootleg haircut to the
6'10" guy who looks like he spent the past 25 years wearing overalls and holding down
soon-to-be-castrated bulls, there are some beastly guys trying out this year. Oh, and not
to mention the ladies. I'm a little disappointed that the fake orgasm girl didn't make it,
but that gorgeous 19 year-old chick with the incredible rack more than makes up for that
loss. I swear, I'll be watching each episode multiple times and drooling each time, even
if I'm accompanied by females. Now if we could only get a Boot Camp sequel, I'd be set. I
miss the ladies' "Forbidden Bunk of Pleasures."
5.) The Oregon State Beavers Men's Basketball Team: Where to start? You
know, the Pac-10 is having a first ever conference tournament this year and the top eight
(YES, EIGHT) teams are going to make the trip to the Staples Center this month. Our team
however, will have plenty of time to study for finals. Of course, we only missed the
tournament by one spot, but that's like saying "I would have hit three of ten if I
made my last free throw," you suck either way. Our starting shooting guard Jimmie
Haywood saw it fitting to quit before the season ended, and in the same week, my favorite
hometown acquaintance Brian Jackson from A-town neighboring Knappa not only quit the team,
but rejoined two days afterwards. Yes Brian, you should have gone to Arizona when you had
the chance. Then you have Brandon Payton, "The Glove's" little cousin. They look
the same, but they sure don't play the same. In his defense, Brandon showed up the last
five games, but it left me wondering, "Where were you earlier this season."
Ritchie McKay needs more players such as Floyd North III, then maybe a few people would
come to our games.
4.) Burger King's Advertising Developers: Bob sez, "Hey guys, I've
got a great idea for a new commercial! Why don't we find a popular figure and have them
enter a BK in the 50's, then progress in musical and fashion styles until it's the current
day, where the star will order a nice flame broiled Whopper!" Sheila from accounting
sez, "Oh my lord Bob, you're a motherloving genius! If I wasn't such a lesbian, I'd
so give you a rimjob in the janitor's closet during lunch!" For Pete's sake! Have you
seen this commercial with Shaq? If not don't worry, you saw it when Pepsi did it BETTER
with Brittney. At least Brittney looks hot in 50's style garb. Are the same people who
gave the OK to "Kung Pow" and "Sled Dogs" in charge of the advertising
agencies now? I swear, every time I see this commercial, I bust out in laughter at how
lazy these people must have been. I also bust out in hives from having to sit through
another terrible ad involving Shaq Diesel.
3.) My Doctor: I have high blood pressure...in my right arm. Strangely,
my blood pressure is fine in my left arm. Could this have to do something with an old
injury to my right shoulder? Your guess is as good as my doctor's. During the past couple
weeks I've had my blood pressure taken probably 16 times, I've peed in a cup, given blood,
and been hooked up to an EKG. I'm going to have to go get an ultrasound on my heart
because he thinks that it may be enlarged. You know, I'm getting a lot of theory, but I
still don't have any definitive answer as to what the deal is. You know, I can only take
so much theory from a guy with a crazed look in his eyes who probably has some type of
brain parasite from his goodwill tours to Zimbabwe or wherever. Fat guys and smokers have
high blood pressure. Post-menopausal women on the verge of a breakdown have high blood
pressure. A 21 year old who spends hours in the gym each week and watches his diet and
never drinks or smokes is not supposed to have high blood pressure. It just goes to show
you, no matter how good you live, family history can always catch up with you. Oh well, it
could be worse. I could be like Nemesis and have a family history of "ugly." HA!
2.) The NWO: "Bad is back and it's here to stay." Hulk Hogan,
Scott Hall, and Kevin Nash are all back in the wrestling game after a bit of a hiatus from
the limelight. You know, I was a little skeptical about these guys returning, but so far,
they have been, "Just too sweet." Hogan isn't nearly as saggy as I remember him
being, although he has yet to remove that sleeveless shirt. Scott Hall is as greasy as
ever, but man the guy is not aging well. The Razor's Edge he laid on The Rock was pure
bliss though. He's starting to look his age facially, he's just not the "Razor"
that I remember him to be. And Austin offering Hall a beer=hilarious. Terrible, but
hilarious. Oh, and does anyone else get the feeling that Nash is just going to stand
around for a couple of months before he actually gets in a full-fledged wrestling match?
These guys may not be as good as they once were, but the nostalgia value is great for a
crusty old veteran to the wrestling scene like myself. And Rocky vs. Hogan is just the
hype vs. hype match that we've all been waiting for the WWF to unleash on us. As long as
there aren't any Vincent sightings for the future, I'm down with the NWO.
#1.
College Girls: In general, I'm down with the majority of college girls. I've been lucky
enough to be blessed with the wit and moderate good looks that it takes to go through life
without being turned down for a date as of yet. The only problem that I have is the total
lack of priorities these girls have. First, there are the chunky ones who hang off me
during your country-western dance class. I know that the fruit is there and overly-ripe
for the picking, but I also know that I have amazingly high standards. It's impossible for
me to justify going out with a girl who is a possible candidate for Ms. Oregon on Friday
night, then going out with the reigning "Ms. Old Country Buffet" on Saturday. I
have one demand of a possible girlfriend, she has to weigh 30 pounds less than I do.
Shallow, yes, but hell, I can get away with it.
Second, there are the moderately pretty
chicks who are fun to hang around and will do almost anything for me. You see, I need more
of these as friends. The girls that will cook for me, clean for me, help me with my
homework, these girls are just flat-out cool. Honestly, I'll probably end up with one of
these girls in the long-run. The only problem with these girls is that there always seems
to be some sort of catch. Being with them is either terribly inconvenient at the time,
scheduling dates is nearly impossible, or I'm so enamored with another girl that I'm not
willing to admit that a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. I suppose I'll learn one
day, but chasing pretty girls is just too much fun for someone who enjoys self-punishment
as much as I do.
Finally, there are the hotties. I know
that there's one of these girls out there that's interested in more than being friends or
just dating a few times, but finding that chick is going to kill me. I swear, if I find
one more beautiful girl that thinks of me as her best friend, I'm going to start asking
for some "nice, casual friend sex." Sure, every once in a while I'm thrown a
couple scraps of the loving from these girls, but you can only make it so far on hugs and
having breasts/booty rubbed up against you while dancing. I believe my luck may be
changing thanks to my great "Frat boy transformation of '02." We'll see how
things are looking come summer. The only problem I have then is dealing with the drones of
high school girls that will flock to me when I go back home. If my intent was to lure jail
bait, I would have just bought an Acura instead of busting my ass every day and abstaining
from such joys as pizza, burgers and Pepsi. I haven't had a donut or ice cream in months
now, and I'm still single while guys with lower standards than me are getting more tang
than Neil Armstrong. Oh well, it's like Snoop says, "You've got to stay up on your
toes when it comes to hoes."
Those are the big noisemakers of the first part of my 2002. In my
heart, you're all Charmies' People, but a few of you really need to stop calling me. I
told you, I don't go for that sort of thing. So until next time, remember that anyone can
be a person, but it takes something special to be one of Charmies' People. |
