Aries
(March 21-April 19)

Sure you’re older now, but are you really any wiser? Don’t try to lord your newfound “older” status over your friends; you’ll wish you were younger soon enough. The shiny new things you got for your birthday will make an impact on those you wish to impress, just make sure that it’s a favorable impression. Speak out when you’re compelled to do so, but do try to think first for the sake of your loving Gemini friends and family. Eat, drink and be merry, but remember to set aside time to enjoy spring with a little bodily spring cleaning (get some exercise). Try something new and then immediately bash it, even if you like it. The ego trip will just boost your mood when combined with the fun of your birthday, or it’ll get rid of those “nobody loves me birthday blues.” And do call your mother, dearie. You know she worries.

Taurus
(April 20-May 20)

If it’s possible, wear shorts and get some sun on those legs. You know they’ve been cooped up in your winter cloths for too long. You know if you put it off like always, you’re just going to regret it come summer. Just when you think your love life has taken a nosedive, something will come along to give you hope. However, don’t go rushing in too fast or you’ll just end up on relationship welfare. Take a little time to play the game and make sure that you pick your spots before you go for emotional penetration. Dust off one of the CD’s you listened to five years ago and resume bobbing your head. They say that the sun shines on every dog’s ass, just make sure yours is ready to catch the rays.

Gemini
(May 21- June 21)

Just face it, you’re a total freak but everybody loves you for it. Let loose a bit and take a few chances with your sense of humor, but be sure to look up the term “tact” in the dictionary before doing so. You’re feeling pulled in multiple directions by your interests, so be sure to leave time for variety. Those who love you the most are starting to wear on you a bit, so be sure to give yourself a little personal time, or call up someone you haven’t seen in a while. Search for closure on some projects, but don’t push too hard, you might strain your rectum. There’s a silver lining on every cloud, just make sure that you don’t miss the clear sky while you focus on the clouds.

Cancer
(June 22- July 22)

Take some time to focus on getting rid of some of your bad habits. You have Cancer linked to your name once and that’s enough. Be sure to keep yourself in check for a while because you know you’re afraid of what you might do if you cut loose. Think twice about attending events that include the word “kegger” in the title and don’t even think of attending any box socials. You know how you get at those dern things. Find your social satisfaction during the daylight hours instead of going out and searching for it at night. Picking up a new book will help you reach intellectual climax, just make sure that you don’t get too engrossed to leave time for the simple things in life. Go out and pick some flowers or you’ll start receiving chain mail.

Leo
(July 23-August 22)

You are a fetishist in every sense of the word. Some freaky things have been running through your mind, but make sure that you have the basics covered before you try to kill two birds with one stone. You want a lot this month, but you know you simply can’t have it all. Settle for the cheapest, quickest thrill and get the hell out before anyone knew you were even there. For someone of your *ahem* assets, that shouldn’t be too hard. You might scratch a few people’s sacks, so be ready to deal with the aftermath. For some reason, a hat would make things a lot better. Now you just need to find the right one. Shoes with laces may prove hazardous to your health, possibly fatal. Lace up with caution.

Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)

You know that it’s time to make a little noise, but you don’t exactly know where to start. Those closest to you will be willing to hear you out, but it’s going to be up to you to get anything past the point of the normal BS. Make sure that people honestly hear you this time, or they’ll continue to think that you’re just full of hot air. Make sure you use a mint though, because while your words may be wonderfully engaging, your stank tuna breath isn’t. Figure out what the square root of 2401 is and use that number during your many varying escapades. Cut down on your use of the colorful adjectives, they’re starting to wear on your friends. Using words like squirrel, collateral and genome will win you friends.

Libra
(September 23 - October 23)

Make sure you know where you’re going before you head toward it. You’ve still got a long way to go before you reach your main goal, whether you know it or not. For some reason, panties have been a main topic of thought, but the real reason isn’t quite what you’d think. Remember to watch your back in large rooms. Through all this confusion, be sure to reach into your bag of tricks and pull out one of your patented moves, it’ll be a surefire hit this time. While they may look inviting at first, badger holes and any games that take place in busy streets may not be the best idea this month.

Scorpio
(October 24 - November 21)

The burning sensation is finally gone and you think that you’re on top of the world. In your newfound glee, don’t forget to take heed of the obvious problems that your freedom can bring. Keys will prove to be a formidable adversary this month, so give yourself a couple minutes of extra time every time you go somewhere. The biggest belt buckle you can find will bring you joy, but remember that it may have a guillotine effect if you bend over. Look through your wallet or purse and you’ll find something that you didn’t know was there. It will prove totally useless this month, but the idea that it will be there for May will be comforting. Stop breathing through your mouth, you look like you’re trying to catch flies.

Sagittarius
(November 22 - December21)

For one reason or another, you really want a Pepsi. Brittney Spears has had a major effect on you and Pepsi has done it again. Prepare for a month of quiet submission to your new leader. Life will revolve around your love of that sweet, sweet can...oh, and you’ll want the Pepsi too. You haven’t gained any weight but your pants seem to fit a little bit more tightly this month. Make sure you take some time out to relax and think of puppy dogs and Rocky Mountain oysters. Your musical tastes will cause you to be ridiculed by friends and family, but don’t worry, there are other Rick Springfield and Richard Marx fans out there. Beware of any smoked meat products.

Capricorn
(December 22 - January 19)

Break yourself, fool! Face it, the things that you love are far, far away and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your favorite jeans have a tear in the crotch, but that might be a good thing with the increasingly warm weather. If you play your cards right, it might even be a great angle to help you get a date. Make sure that you get up and move a little this month because you know your muscles could use the activity. If you can get your hands on the computer game “The Oregon Trail,” you’ll have found a brand new obsession. Any hog products may seem tasty this month, but they won’t leave you in a tasty fashion. Remember, if you sprinkle when you tinkle then please wipe the seat.

Aquarius
(January 20 - Febuary 18)

Mexican food will bring you momentary pleasure and then insufferable pain. Things are pretty hit-or-miss this month, so if you go, go big. There won’t be a lot of middle ground or room for error, but your victories will be grand if it all comes together. Contact sports are a definite no-no, so you might want to look into golf or something less dangerous. Genital palpations should only be administered in times of great crisis, so make sure you use discretion. For some reason, the term lambaste will come in handy this month so keep it in mind. Any type of flight short of a good jump will carry its risks, so be sure to know what you’re getting into. Mo’ money=mo’ problems.

Pisces
(Febuary 19 - March 20)

Flashdance, what a feeling! Placate yourself with a plethora of performances. If it’s yellow, let mellow, but if it’s brown, flush it down. The wacky love juice has you by the brain banana but don’t worry, the graveyard shift awaits. You can hear the music on the AM Radio, but you’ll never like disco. Freak dancing will come with definite drawbacks. Step back, you’re dancing kind of close, I feel a little poke coming through on you. Stop referring to yourself as, “Mr. Bigstuff,” it’s not winning you any friends. Anatomical referencing should be done with the utmost of caution. Five plus five may equal ten, but that doesn’t really seem to matter much now, does it? Follow the leader, the leader is good.