Tom Shooks

1. Hair: Nothing is abnormal about the hair itself, but it is what Shook puts in it. There has never been a time that I have seen him without a large amount of greasy crud in his hair. I have yet to figure out what it is. I don’t know if he just sweats excessively from his scalp, or if he combs in some Crisco for later consumption. Some thing the world may never know.

2. Sweat: Shooks sweats more than any person I know. He sweats more typing on his computer or playing video games, than most people do running a mile. It could be due to the many layers of fat he carries (It would be like if any of us wore a parka all year long), or it could be because all the grease he consumes is trying to escape his body. Either way the phenomenon needs to be looked at by a doctor for the love of God.

3. Head: Sure his head could be described as odd, but I’d rather discuss the contents of his head. Over the 21 years that Shooks has been alive, he has picked up various pieces of information. Sadly however much of the information is incorrect. It’s hard to say where exactly Shooks gets his misinformation. Things like Christmas is only an American holiday, it was Ken Griffy Sr. not Jr. that overdosed on aspirin, or that it is deadly to drink any urine other than your own. Whatever the source, you can be sure that any piece of information his mom gives him is dead on accurate, cuz she’s a librarian……riiight….

4. Glasses/Eyes: In Shooks case you can’t have one without the other being as he is damn near blind. Seriously though, what is up with those glasses? They are like 2 inches thick. Are they like James Bond type glasses with night vision and infra-red vision modes? I mean damn, if I were him I’d worry about the sun being amplified by the lenses and burning a hole through my head.

5. Enlarged Cheek and Lower Lip: Otherwise known as “Chaw Cheek”, this is caused by constantly having an insanely large quantity of Skoal in his lip for most the day. Being as he also smokes a cigarette every five minutes sometimes with a dip of Skoal in, I believe that one day his heart will simply stop from nicotine poisoning.

6. Heat and Lungs: Ah the Cardio-Pulmonary system, it’s like the engine of a car. And much like a car if the engine stops from clogged valves, so do the heart and lungs. Frankly I am surprised that Shooks has lasted this long, and according to Goc and Hoss, his days are numbered. His heart deals with amounts of grease that only rendering plants usually deal with. The passages of his heart are becoming narrower by the day. I imagine that very soon his blood cells will have to go through his arteries single file. As for his lungs, not only does he smoke a cigarette every five minutes, but he has asthma. So while his lungs are constricted by asthma, he has a smoky treat to take his mind off of it. Sometimes common sense eludes the Shooks.

7&10. Body Hair: Since both 7 and10 are related, I’ll group them together. I’ll start off with 7, which is his hairless armpits. This makes absolutely no sense being as the rest of his body is very sasquatch like. So I don’t know if the friction from his arms and male breasts rubbing together has stripped away the hair off, or if for some reason his pits just didn’t go through puberty. Maybe to make himself more desirable to the ladies (or men) Shooks shaves his pits (apparently the tongue stud wasn’t enough). In any case it just makes no sense. Now for 10, apparently the body hair from his pits decided to migrate to his stomach, cuz that’s where the bulk of his body hair seems to be. He apparently is going for the Austin Powers look or something. I myself have never laid eyes on a shirtless Shooks, but I imagine it to look like a furry Buddha statue.

8. Bitch Tits: Man Boobs, Male Breasts, call them what you will. IN any case, they are the result of Shooks lax exercise and eating habits. Then again they cold be the result of hormone therapy like in “Fight Club”. Then again those layers of fat on Shook’s chest can also be beneficial. They act as padding against the constant pummelings, that Shooks takes from Favre, Goc, Hoss and Pappy. Another way his man boobs could be beneficial is they give him something to fondle while he looks at Internet porn. (Note: That last one is purely speculation, but come on, who doubts it?)

9. Inverted Nipple: I’m not too sure about this one. I myself have never viewed this abnormality. I assume that it is due to the fact that Shooks got some of his carney dad’s DNA causing the mutation. Whatever the cause of Shook’s nipple, it has been the focus of much of his friend’s laughter. (Note: Shook’s carney dad is the one who runs the ring toss.)

10. See 7.

11. The Stomach: This section of the Shook anatomy has provided much amusement for many of those who know Shook. You may be wondering what could be so interesting about the pounds and pounds of cellulose that make up Shooks’ midsection. Well, I’ll tell you. It is a little thing called the “Truffle Shuffle”. This little dance, which resembles a jiggling Jell-O mold, has to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. This odd dance of the fat man, has been the focus of much laughter for many of Shook’s friends. It has even been sent across the country over the Internet via webcam to five nightmares to those far away.

12. The Kotex: Any one who knows Shooks, knows about his piece of crap watch. Sure, a lot of us have crappy watches, but then again we don’t try to pass them off as Rolexes either. He showed up to school flashing around the nice new watch his parents got him in Mexico claiming that it was a genuine Rolex. Sure it looked like it was made of foil, but so do the crappy tin rings you get out of those little vending machines in Wal-Marts. I’m not sure how much Shook’s parents paid for that watch, but “Our Dicktionary” on Gyeah.com gives a possible price…hehe.

13. Hands: Very stubby and fat. Once would think with the amount of time he spends in front of a computer he would be able to type around 100 words a minutes, but I’ve seen him type before, and it’s a pretty pathetic sight. This is most likely due to the shortness and pudginess of his hands and fingers. He has trouble reaching the keys and when he does reach the key his fingers hit the two neighboring keys as well. Just get one of those talk and type programs Shookie. His hands are also very weak. This is due to the fact he hasn’t done a hard day of labor in his life. When the two jobs that you have only consist of standing around, smoking a pack of cigarettes with a dip in, or in the case of one of the jobs, occasionally lifting a piece of furniture, you don’t develop too much strength in your hands. For the most part his hands serve only two purposes. Get food from the plate to his mouth, and to point and click with his mouse to navigate around the many porn sites Shooks visits daily (i.e. Hot Male and Shemale Fiesta). (Note: Shooks does not need his hands to attempt to pleasure a woman. Just ask a certain “Redhead”.)

14. Sequined G-String: I’m not saying Shooks has ever worn one of these, but I put it on him for a couple reasons. First there’s no way in hell I’m going to even attempt to draw Shooks naked. Second, with all the crap Shook’s has done to please women, I’m guessing that he will eventually wear something just as humiliating as this and dance around or some weird ass thing like that. Then shortly after Shooks will spend all his money to buy the women something, and then she will break up with him a couple days later. Used and abused, the story of Shookies’s life.

15. Legs: I have yet to figure out how any material either natural or synthetic can support the body mass of Shooks. His leg bones have to be harder and more dense that steel. Given, Shooks doesn’t stand all that much, but it wouldn’t take long for a normal human bone to snap under that kind of pressure. Engineers may want to look into the composition of Shook’s skeleton; it could be used to create buildings of the future.

16. Cell Pone & Cigarettes: These two things might as well be attached to Shook’s body, because they are the two things that he is never without. It makes little sense that Shook carries either of theses items though. The cell phone is a piece of crap. I think it was made by a mentally retarded monkey. The only reason he uses it is because he got conned into some B.S,. plan. As for him always carrying around cigarettes all the time, that makes no sense at all. His lungs can barely handle the strain of walking up a flight of stairs, and he fills them with lung-blackening smoke. And as I said before, he has asthma. Nothing like cigarette tar to help asthma. Instead of carrying around his cell phone and a pack of cigs, I think he should start carrying around a tank of oxygen and a defibrillator.

17. Black Socks and Sandals: This one needs little explanation, and just proves that Shook should stop letting his mom dress him. I mean honestly black socks and leather sandals!!!? I would call them Doc Martens, but I’m guessing that they are actually just some bootleg replicas that his parents got in Mexico. Whatever they are, come summer you will find Shook wearing shorts and black socks with sandals.

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