Hulk Hogan our Next President?!?

Al Gore? George W. Bush? Who in the heck is our next president? It seems like not even Miss Cleo could answer that question. Or is it Pat Buchanan or Alan Keyes or Ralph Nader? All these names have been thrown around for the last month in connection with the US presidency. But aren’t we forgetting something? The man who threw his name in the ring just around two years ago. Have you all forgotten Hulk Hogan?!?

“Put him in the ring with Hulk Hogan,” were the words of none other than “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan, when he was asked how he would handle Saddam Hussein. Hogan, inspired by Jesse Ventura’s election as governor of Minnesota, recently said he would run for president. When asked whether he would have had an affair with Monica Lewinsky, Hogan replied: “I’ve been through that in my life, so I could be a better president than Clinton. Wherever he’s going, I’ve already been.” These are the words of Hogan, but what would really happen if “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan became the next President of the United States.

Immediately things would change if Hogan won the election. The national capital would be moved to Atlanta, Georgia, the home of World Championship Wrestling (WCW). Next order of business would be the renaming of the USA to the HWO (Hogan World Order). From there we would then be forced to all become “Hulkamaniacs.” And the motto “Home of the brave, land of the free,” would be a thing of the past as it would be replaced with “the USA, its just to sweeeeeet!” “Say your prayers, do your exercises, and shoot up with human growth hormones,” would be another new motto. The middle finger would be the new national “bird.” The national anthem would also be changed, this time obviously to a revamped Jimi Hendrix song. To go along with this, Hogan’s presidential term would be for life, because everyone knows “nWo is for life.” Of course the parties would also change greatly. The republicans would go black and white (nWo Hollywood), as the democrats would go for the Wolf Pac because Kevin “Big Sexy” Nash is so liberal.

Also immediately, Hogan would make drastic changes in his cabinet and staff. Gene Okerland would be given the chance to live up to his “Mean Gene” moniker as he is made secretary of war. For the first time, the President’s cabinet will be consist of men with nicknames like Big Sexy, Big Poppa Pump, K-Dawg, Buff the Stuff, Macho Man, and the Total Package. Sure Janet Reno can be called all these things, but this time we can really mean it.

Once Hogan’s reign has begun, gradual changes will begin to be noticeable. Professional wrestling would gradually replace baseball as America’s pastime. Many laws would begin to be warped and changed. Steroids would become not only legalized but also become a required part of a “balanced” breakfast. And male pattern baldness would not only be smiled upon, but also mandatory. Also, being over fifty years old, wrestling around in spandex, and painting a beard on your face would be the norm, not the exception. And viagra would see a marketing boom as men across the country say, “Well if the president does it.” To go along with these changes, Hogan will make some of his own…mostly in his hairline. Then he can cay…”I’m not only a client, I’m the president…of the United States.”

The biggest effect Hogan will have on the USA, as a president will be his tactics in wartime and in military negotiations. If two countries were about to sign a peace treaty to end a war, Hogan would send in troops to break it up and then attack both countries just to “piss” them off. And during an altercation with another country, Hogan will forget that this is real life and say, “Okay Saddam…what we’re gonna do is fight a bit, ya know make it seem like we really hate each other, then when they least expect it...we join forces and turn on Russia! Damn! We’d get so much heel heat!” Thus setting up a fatal three-way between Yeltzen, Hussein, and Hogan at World War 3. And it, like every other war, would be live on pay per view for a measly $29.99.

Hulk Hogan as president sounds like an oxymoron, but Jesse Ventura is a governor, so isn’t it obvious anything can happen? Sure the country would go to crap, but what president hasn’t done that already? At least, Hogan would be the first president with his own gimmick! But if Hogan won, it would be good for Bill Clinton, as he would go down as the second worst president, not the worst. And Newt Gingrich would say, “Damn, I’m glad I got out of there when I had a chance!”

The votes are still being counted, and we may never know whom our next president will be. What if Hulk Hogan did some run-in interference in Florida and did some “ass-kicking” recount style and proclaimed himself President? We can speculate on the effects of this and argue all day, but we know one thing for certain…everyone will move to Canada.

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