Filling That Void In Our Lives

Yet another stupid ass article flowing out of the Hossman’s fingertips? What fuels these rants about nothing? I’ll tell ya what, beer and being a virgin. Yes folks you’re talking to the one remaining 19 year- old virgin on the face of planet earth. (some dude told me earth wasn’t capitalized, which I agree with because I did win the 1989 spelling bee at Atkins Elementary) My mind runs rampant because my penis gets no play. But anyways folks it’s a well known fact that I am bitter at this world and I think I have a right to be. There are a few things however that make me happy and I have ‘em right here in this top-ten list. And they are as follows:

10) Hearing a Kenny Loggins song: Talk your shit folks I like Kenny Loggins. I think he has the talent of Mama Cass and the hair of that guy from Winger. Remember such hits from Kenny as: Danger Zone from Top Gun, Footloose from of course Footloose, and Meet Me Halfway Across the Sky from the vastly underrated film Over the Top which was about professional arm wrestling? Damn that guy is the king of soundtrack songs.

9) Watching Uncle Buck: Damn that John Candy is smooth in that movie! You Shoulda seen the toast I couldn’t even fit it through the door! Drying clothes in the microwave! What a damn genius that Candy is. Lets not forget that some of the actors/actresses in that film have gone on to stardom. Mac Culkin of course made a few good movies and the older daughter chick that was always pickin’ on Buck is on that one show on CBS. Damn I forgot what its called. Damn I’d like to tap that ass. Damn I’m lonely.

8) Having the only remote control in the entire house: Contained in this quaint Toledo, Iowa home is three TV’s. I am the sole owner of the only remote control in the entire house. This shows I have responsibility and I know how to take care of things. I also like to act like I don’t want the TV anymore and ask my brother if he would like to possess it. He usually says yes and I usually change my mind. This happens about twice a year. Damn I’m evil.

7) Bandits: I’m a nicotine freak. But unlike my counterparts in the Tama area I can’t stand that hard stuff like Skoal. I used to chew Redman, the real man’s stuff but I threw up one day when I was in southern Iowa pickin up a load of mattresses from our warehouse. I gagged and gagged like id just taken all 10 inches of John Holmes’ cock.

6) Married With Children: Damn fine show that was. I hold Al Bundy higher than Jesus himself. Why he complained about boning Peg I have no idea. She had nice boobies. I like her more than Kelly. I have some kind of fetish for older women but I’ll save that for another one of our intimate chats. Bud was obviously gay with Griff the guy who worked with Al down at Gary’s Shoe Store. Little known fact Gary was actually a woman. Women shouldn’t be allowed to posses things I don’t think.

5) Getting asked to prom: Yes folks it took a long time but I Jesse J Schutterle will be attending a prom. Never did in high school. Not even a homecoming dance or anything. I was a real loser. Now look at me im going to prom. Should I wear my hair up or down? Should I dance like a retard as Goc would say or should I take some lessons? Man im nervous. What if I get stood up? Oh man this sucks. Oh yeah my “girlfriend” doesn’t know I’m going to prom with my ex. Hehehehe damn I’m smooth.

4) Lifting weights: I lift weights like every night in hopes that I will be some badass mofo. I’m up to about 285 on bench. Whoopee! This also helps when I’m at work beating on Shooks it gives me the upper arm on submission moves and bullying. Hehe today I kneed him in the stomach and kicked him in his ass. Both times he nearly cried. What a pussy. Get your verbal battle form in fat ass so I can tear you to shreds!

3) Papa John’s: Nuff said there.

2) Snapping in drunken rages: Man if you wanna see something funny watch me snap on someone when I’ve had too much to drink. This one time at Goc’s these fools on the porch laughed at me when I slipped on the ice. I fucking lost it and threw my beer can at them and asked if they needed their asses kicked. Some chick was laughing too and I think I threatened to tear out her cervix and fuck her bloody uterine lining. Dudes I was wasted. Then after a failed bribe to the Jew to turn around and go back so I could whip some ass we pulled over to piss. I jumped into the ditch and was throwing snowballs at a telephone pole yelling obsinites at the world. WASTED?! Yeah prolly. Special thanks to the Jew for not turning around and taking my 200 dollar bribe to do so.

1) DRUMROLL!!!!!!!!!!! BEER!: Oh how I love thee let me count the ways. I can think of twelve. One for each of my brown little glass buddys. So fragile, so in need of love. I like to think that I’m providing a valuable service to the community by getting these little guys off the shelves and into my home. Its my own little adoption service for the less fortunate.

-Well there ya go folks. Another dumbass article from your local cat killing mongaloid hating badass. Take it easy.

-Now that you've read something, he's written. Wouldn't you like to find out more about Hoss? Here you go.