As the GYEAH.com
staff knows and perhaps even some of the readers, I've been in Chicago the
past two weekends. Once with fellow Iowa foolios to another
staff member's humble abode, that being the plush apartment of Skizzow. I went again this
weekend with my girlfriend, Jenna, on a pure sightseeing type of vacation. Over the past
couple weeks I've visited museums, basketball courts, sports bars, restaurants, aquariums,
stadiums, hotels..and damn near everything else in the city. If there ever was such thing
as a "hardcore" tourist...I fit that bill. Hitting up 3 museums in one day is
proof of that.
But the weekend wasn't all fun and games, it was most definitely a learning experience for
the Iowa hillbilly that I am. But not everyone's had a chance to check out the Windy City,
and for you, here is a list of the Top 10 Things I learned during my time there...
Top 10 Things I Learned
During My Time in Chicago
10. Museums would be cooler if it had the estimated value listed for
the items...Now I know you should appreciate the beauty of all
these paintings, sculptures, paper weights (WTF? Art Institute?), and other relics; but a
hardcore tourist doesn't have time to ponder the meaning of each piece of art. I can't
stand and stare at what appears to be an oak desk you can buy at Michael's Furniture in
Tama for 50 bucks and figure out it's place in the big scheme of things. To me, it's just
a f-ing desk. Tell me it's worth 100 grand...amaze me. Please.
9. Six Flags is the devil...Why do I say this
about one of the biggest amusement parks in the US? Well, because the f-ing place is out
to get me. After only 5 hours in the place, I was ready to file a lawsuit against the
park. Why? Because after riding Batman: The Ride, I've been walking around like a drunk
mongoloid. The ride goes from 60 mph to a complete stop in .1 seconds. As we screeched to
a stop, my head whipped around like a bobbing head doll that's been kicked across the
room. I swear I got a concussion from that bastard ride. I know Batman is a hero to all,
but what has he done for us lately? His last 2 movies have inhaled ass, and his ride
attempted to turn one of GYEAH.com's writers into a vegetable. F You Batman!
8. Babies look like aliens...Next time you see
a movie where it shows skinny ass aliens with extremely big heads (cough A.I. cough),
you'll know that the Museum of Science & Industry inspired it. At that museum they
have babies in jars from each phase of birth, and GOOD GOD man, those things look like
mini E.T.'s. I used to think babies were cute and cuddly, now I want to punch every
pregnant lady I see in the stomach, so I can kill that alien that's growing inside her.
7. Public Transportation Gives you Lice...It's
true! During the weekend we rode all over the "L", Chicago's train system, and
on many buses throughout the city. After one long day of train riding, my scalp itched
like no other. It hasn't stopped since. Something is growing on my head...and it's not my
hair.
6. No matter what a stripper tells you, there is NO sex in the
champagne room...Umm, wait that's not it, what I meant to say
is...Homeless People are Weird. While I was in Chicago, I obviously encountered a ton of
homeless folks. One attempted to get me and Jenna to smell a small piece of paper,
claiming it was Polo Cologne. I know you're thinking, oh he was trying to sell you
some...wrong, the kid was trying to sell M&M's. WTF? Why make me smell something, then
try and slang me candy? I'm clueless. Another homeless dude proceeded to dance and sing
whenever someone WOULDN'T pay him money. Now maybe I'm stupid, but shouldn't you reserve
the performance for paying customers only? No wonder he's homeless, his business plan is
all screwed up.
5. The stories about chucking pennies off the Sears Tower and killing
people are bull...You know why? Because the "Sears Tower
Skydeck" is nothing more than a floor with a bunch of windows. I know you hear the
propaganda that "well it's too windy up that high to have a real deck," well
dude for 10 bucks I'm willing to risk it.
4. Whatever you do, don't donate your body to science...I
learned this at the Science & Industry Museum also. They have on display a female and
male body that is cut into sections and preserved. You can see every inch, inside and out,
of those poor saps. I could tell you what they ate for there last meals. These people
donated their bodies to science thinking they were doing the world some good, but instead
their bodies are chuckled at by little kids as they point at the preserved pubic hair.
3. Drinking Aftershock before playing basketball increases your skill...Believe
it or not, this is true, I saw it with my own eyes. On the way down, the first weekend,
GYEAH.com's unnamed Tama solider brought a bottle of Aftershock alcohol. Every 10 minutes or so, of the 5
hour trip, he took a nice swig of the cinnamon liquor. Before we even crossed the
Mississippi he was drunker than all hell. As the rest of us sipped on some beers (and
nearly got an open container ticket), he drank away on his Aftershock. We arrived in
Chicago late at night, and Skizzow had big plans of basketball playing. Rather than sit
and watch, the drunken one fully participated in the festivities. He is a smart and
funny bastard, but he's no Michael Jordan to say the least. But that night he was hitting
jumpers and driving the lane like I've never seen before. Whenever he ran past you on the
court, he smelt like a huge piece of Big Red gum as cinnamon was coming out of all his
pores. They should have an Aftershock commercial starring him, that mocks those
commercials where athletes sweat Gatorade.
2. Never walk around on Garfield Street EVER!!...We
found this one out the hard way. One morning, Jenna and I decided to hit up a museum that
was a few miles south of downtown, so we hopped on the train and got off on Garfield St.
assuming that it was close to the museum. We started walking west toward Lake Michigan,
and started assessing our surroundings. Every building had more boarded up windows then
glass ones, and not one person who we passed didn't look at us like, "What the f*ck
are they doing here?" When you see shots of run down housing and scary ass streets, I
swear its filmed on location at Garfield Street. After a few blocks we hopped on a city
bus hopping we could escape this neighborhood. As soon as we were on the bus, some older
guy starts talking at the top of his lungs about how he's "sick of white
people." I look around the bus, and there was every race in the world...but no other
white people but me and Jenna. It was pretty obvious we weren't going to be invited to his
house for dinner. I don't care what race you are...stay the hell off Garfield Street!
1. CORNFIELDS RULE!!!...I never thought I
would say this, but man I'm happy to live in Iowa. As soon as we crossed back into Iowa, I
wanted to jump out of the car and run up and hug a cornstalk. For the first time in my
life I was proud to call the pig shit smelling, cornfields everywhere, hillbilly infested,
lack of good sports teams, retard filled Iowa my home. This weekend, more than anything, I
found out that cities are fun as hell, but I'm a small town guy. I like it when you can
talk to anyone on the street, I like it when you can park your car wherever you want, I
like it when you don't have to fear the park at night, but most of all...I like Iowa. It
may be one boring ass place to live, but it's MY boring ass place to live. |
