You know, there are a lot of people who make a lot
of money spouting endless ideas about the various aspects that are “contributing to
the fall of Western civilization.” These guys make tens of thousands of dollars
talking about ethnocentricity and schadenfreuid, spouting off all sorts of big words that
only us over-educated people who are still in college know what are. Of course, the only
reason we know what they are is because we need to regurgitate that information to make
the grade.
But guess what? You, the devoted Gyeah reader are going to be treated with clear cut
answers about what’s wrong with this world at the super-low Charmel rate of only your
devoted attention to this article! So without further ado, here are some of the things
that I think are wrong with this world:
--Internet personals/dating sites.
These things are wrong on so many levels. Now being a guy who can actually manage to
muster up a date in person, these things are more of an entertainment source to kill time
with. Now, the first thing that is wrong with these things are picture liars. Listen, if
you put up a picture of Brittney Spears and try to pass it off as you it’s pretty
much like saying, “Honestly, I’m too hideous for photography.” Honestly,
I’ve seen some ugly people on these things, but at least they’re honest in their
brutal hideousness. Other than lying, there’s a couple other terrible truths about
these sites. What’s up with having to pay to be a member? Um, you know, you pay to be
able to make contact with other people, possibly in a romantic or physical situation. You
know, I’ve heard of other guys who have that job. We call them pimps. Now honestly,
if I was so desperate to meet chicks that I was willing to pay for them, I’d go down
to the local bar and spring for a couple beers. But no, for some reason, thousands upon
thousands of single people ranging from cute to pretty to downright ass-ugly shell out
$12.99 a month or more for internet dating services. Why? Because it’s easier than
actually participating in their pathetic little lives.
--Teenagers
Ok, now that I’m headed for 22 I can finally say that I’m far enough removed
from being a teenager to complain about them. Now I’m not going to say that teens are
getting stupider or anything, because honestly, they’ve always been stupid. But have
you ever tried to have a conversation with these modern marvels about relationships or
anything relevant to life experience recently? I swear, other than late night drunk
after-party hookups, the prospects for successful breeding of these people are drab.
Teenage girls obviously think that there’s a “game” to play with
relationships. If you like a guy, you can’t show that you’re interested because
he’ll be turned off by that. What? Um, last time a girl honestly said she was
interested in me she got some of her meals and movies paid for over a period of time. Last
time a girl who was interested in me “played it off” and only told me after she
settled for another guy only got a hug at best. Now girls are stupid this way, but dudes
are straight-retarded. The teenage ego has to be more fragile than Tommy Morisson’s
jaw. Guys don’t ask girls out because they’re afraid of failure. In a time when
everyone needs to look cool, it’s obviously more important to keep up an untouchable
persona than to actually participate in making your life better. But it’s like my
favorite Garth Brooks song says, “How you ever gonna know if you never take the
chance?” Honestly, teenagers of all genders need to pull their heads out of their
collective asses because people aren’t that stupid again until the late 40’s
when they get gossipy.
--Trekkies
Will these fools ever breakdown and admit that they’re idiots? Guys, girls, being a
Trekkie, and I can’t underscore this enough, Is Not Cool! If you know more Klingon
words than you know words from “Hamlet” or “Romeo & Juliet,”
you’re wasting valuable oxygen for those of us who base our interests on real
culture. I swear, if your governmental role model is fictional, you’re in desperate
need of a reality check. Hardcore Trekkies are like bastardized Deadheads. They travel the
world in search of the next convention and their next chance to meet Spock for the 57th
time. But let me let you in on a secret. Spock is not real! He is played by Leonard Nemoy
who doesn’t even have pointy ears. Do the world and take in a Twins game. If you
could just idolize Brad Radke half as much as you love Mr. Sulu, we wouldn’t be
talking about contraction, suckas!
--“The New” TNN
“We’ve got pop?” Ok, now exactly how stupid is this slogan? The first thing
that comes to mind when I hear this is a cool refreshing Pepsi. Now yeah, I know that
“pop” is a reference to popular culture, and that’s what makes this
campaign so overwhelmingly pathetic. First off, what is pop culture these days? Basically,
it’s commercialism at it’s most disgusting form. Oh yes TNN, you do have
commercials and all sorts of little phone-ins with idiot people spouting off on important
issues ranging from “Bouncy, bouncy” in reference to Baywatch, to interviews
with drunk South Beach lowlifes about the hidden virtues of the club scene. Oh, and just
how does this campaign relate to TNN’s program offering? Um, let’s see, we have
a bunch of hunting and fishing shows, some monster trucks and rodeo, Star Trek, Miami
Vice, Baywatch and WWF Raw. I think that about covers it. Now exactly where do any of
these shows fit into modern pop culture? Most of the hunters and fishers I know
couldn’t give a crap about what’s going on in South Beach, and while I like
wrestling, it’s far from being “mainstream cool.” I especially love the
rehashing of old worn out rerun tapes as something fresh and cool. Hey TNN, I’ve got
a new ad campaign for you, why not try “We’ve got crap?” At least then
you’re honest.
--Internet Techie Culture
Now I don’t know if you get TechTV where you’re at, but I often find myself
drawn in to watching The Screensavers or Fresh Gear. After all, I like knowing stuff about
my computer and knowing what the next gadget is that I’ll want but won’t be able
to afford until it’s obsolete is. Now the Screensavers is a really neat show for the
most part, but they pushed one of my buttons when they started talking about their most
recent survey about if people had broadband internet access, and if not, why. Well, about
4% of the nerds who voted said that they didn’t need broadband yet. Needless to say,
that answer was ripped on almost ruthlessly. Um guys, I need broadband about as much as I
need a third testicle. I mean sure, it would be nice to have and show off to my friends,
but honestly, I can live without it. Now yeah, maybe I’m behind the times for my age,
but other than using e-mail and doing a little research for college or some online
shopping, I don’t do much with the internet. Does the fact that I don’t need
broadband to complete my life make me out of touch? I mean really, what am I missing?
Movies, music and online gaming? Ugh, I have TV and a nice sterio, and if I want
competition, I can go down to the gym and play some ball. It’s a pathetic thing when
most of your friends are people in your Ultima Online guild. If you haven’t seen them
or talked to them, for all you know you could be talking to well trained apes. People,
having broadband isn’t going to be the deciding factor as to whether or not
you’re leading a good life. So maybe just once, get outside and contribute to society
instead of worrying about your bandwith.
--The BCS
What the hell is this crap? When exactly did the NCAA decide that a championship
tournament to decide the best team in the nation would be too simple? Instead you’ve
got some guy in New Brunswick who has some program on his laptop that divides two point
conversion efficiency by cheerleader bra size to determine the overall rankings of the
teams, and for some reason, this lame-o gets a real say in the rankings? Football is not
math. There should be no equations necessary to determine who the better team is. On a
given day, the better team is the one who scores the most points. During a season, the
best team is the one who progresses through the season and the postseason and is the last
team standing. I mean come on, NCAA basketball has a tournament, the NFL has a tournament,
when I coached 5th grade girls basketball we had a tournament. You know what happens at
the end of a tournament? The best team wins and there’s a clear-cut number one.
It’s a novel idea, isn’t it? Obviously not novel enough for NCAA football.
--And Everything Else
Man, there are a thousand other things that make this world one messed up place. Of
course, if we manage to distance ourselves enough from them, they can all be a huge source
of comedy. The problem is that millions of people are continually increasing their
distance from the real world in favor of a more sterile environment in front of their
computer. And why not? You can get a type of social interaction, you can shop, you can be
entertained, and you can get the news at a safe distance. But hell, if you distance
yourself enough from the world, there’s nothing real in your life. “But Charmel,
I’ve got 81 contacts on my ICQ list, I’m making money from advertisers on my
website, and my homepage is MSN.com.” That’s great, but when was the last time
one of those 81 ICQ contacts went dancing with you? When’s the last time you flirted
with a clerk at Old Navy? When’s the last time you held the door for someone or shook
someone’s hand? You want to know what the real problem with this world is? People.
Plain and simple. Human nature is a terrible thing, and the new batch of human nature that
has been bastardized by convenience has to be about the most pathetic form that it’s
had in years. I’ll do my part and participate in my life. I just hope everyone can
muster up that courage. |
