Well
jabronis and jabronettes, its already a month and a half into 2001 and we’ve seen
some crazy stuff so far. California’s power shortage hit the nation’s wallets
with the Valentine’s day rose shortage and price hike. Gyeah favorite, the XFL kicked
off with an impressive start in the Nielsons, despite what the so-called
“experts” had to say and the NBA actually had a good all-star game. But you know
what, along with midterms and the excitement of the holiday season and the new year. its
all over, boy-o’s. So here we sit in mid-February with menial tasks on our hands, but
not a heck of a lot else. Well that’s where I come in. Mid-February is really one of
those times in the year, along with late September that basically suck some major boo-tay.
However, it doesn’t have to be that way. Here, in the list fashion that is becoming
so typical of my writing, are my top ten picks to beat the mid-February blues.
--Just once, go outside and take a leak simply to observe the steam rise from your
urethral emissions. After all, you probably won’t be able to do this in a couple of
months.
--Find somewhere that you can rent a donkey and take it for a stroll down Main Street. (It
wouldn’t hurt if you got a big sombrero and poncho to go along with it either.)
--Go out with a pretty girl and ask her if you should go out again. If she says yes,
don’t ever call her again and this time you can be the one doing the blowing-off for
a change.
--Volunteer at the local senior center and organize a senior’s mixer night, only to
play Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” as the first song. You’ll be the one
laughing when a group of single seniors start groovin’ to “Picture this, we were
both buck naked, banging on the bathroom floor.”
--Call your mother, dearie. You know she worries.
--Sit down during a rainy day and try to find alternative ways of stating taboo phrases,
such as “pucker up and apply suction to my genitalia” and “engage in sexual
congress until you no longer exist.”
--Make a habit of patting one person on the butt per day in an effort to replace the
handshake as a greeting toward attractive members of the opposite sex.
--Tell every pretty girl you see that you’ve got a “intelligence fetish”
that only she can fulfill. Then, on your first date, wrap your testicles in cellophane and
explain to her that she can have, “all the leftover meat in my icebox that you
want.” She’ll freak, she’ll call you a freak, you’ll have a story to
tell your buddies.
--Break youself, fool. (If you know where that’s from, you get a bonus point.)
--Listen to Christina Aguilera’s “Will The Real Slim Shady Please Shut Up?”
and cower in fear of where the music industry is headed. Hell, just listen to the original
and do the same. Song Longevity=DEAD.
I tell you one thing, kiddos. If you decide that you’re going to take my advice and
follow my lead, you too can actually enjoy one of the most bastardized times of the year
instead of moping through it like usual. Toodles, dogmatics. |
