Well
lovemuffins, it’s finally 2001 and with the New Year already started, a lot of people
are trying to find ways to make their lives better. Obviously, one way to do that is to
put down the N64 controller and get out of that glorified outhouse of yours that you call
an apartment. I hear people asking, “But Charmel, what ever am I gonna do?” Well
skippy, why don’t you go out there and work on finding that certain someone to share
your Saturday nights with? I can tell you, there’s nothing better than a good first
date to get you all pumped up for the rest of the week. Now notice that I said GOOD first
date. While a bad first date will probably bring you some good comical stories to tell
your frat brothers, a good one can lead to much better things like actually having plans
for your next Friday and even a little heavy petting. So with that said, here are my first
date do’s and don’ts.
--DO sincerely ask a girl out with a good sense of humor and a smile.
--Don’t ask her if she wants to help you buff your kitchen floor naked.
--DO smile and keep a little eye contact if she turns your sorry carcass down.
--Don’t make repeated gestures to your crotch, saying, “Oh yeah, well no wang
for you, hooch!”
--DO greet your date on time in your own car, with a flower or such if possible.
--Don’t greet your date with a bottle of Jack on your breath and a shirt that
proclaims, “I’m not wearing any underwear.”
--DO open the passenger car door for your date.
--Don’t tell her the only reason you did that was because the lock on the
driver’s side is broken. (Trust me.)
--DO open all restaurant/movie doors for your date.
--Don’t open your fly and inform your date that she’s, “Just seven inches
from paradise.”
--DO take her to a nice sit-down eating establishment between 5:00-7:00
--Don’t kick her in the shins and frown at her when you think that the Cajun
McChicken value meal she ordered is too spendy for a first date.
--DO ask her about herself in questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or
no.
(Girls like talking about themselves.)
--Don’t inform her that your rash cleared up last Thursday, so you’re cleared to
“sail her seven seas.”
--DO compliment her on her choice of clothing or other non-overtly sexual attribute.
--Don’t tell her just how “stabworthy” she is.
--DO make sure you know her musical preferences for any time spent in the car and adjust
accordingly.
--Don’t pop in your RATT 8-track. They may have gotten laid, but you won’t.
--DO greet any of her friends you meet with a smile and a little witty banter.
--Don’t shout out, “Who let the dogs out?” when you meet her two closest
sorority sisters.
--DO make sure any of your romantic or sexual advances are well warranted and have some
warning.
--Don’t ask her if she wants a chest massage while you’re waiting to be seated
at dinner.
--DO make sure that any movie choices don’t include the words “gangbang” or
“deepthroat.”
--Don’t assume that she’ll enjoy “Showgirls” because of the bond
between the showgirl and the stylist.
--Do smile and nod when she sees a deer and comments on how pretty it is.
--Don’t tell her the story about how you blew one buck’s butthole out from 200
yards with your “Ot-six.”
--DO perform the, “It’s already 9:00?” with the arm around the shoulder
move if situation dictates for it.
--Don’t perform the, “You’re already 15.” with your hand on her crotch
move...EVER.
--DO take her home when she asks you to without much drama.
--Don’t say, “OK, but now I don’t know what I’m gonna do with the KY
jelly I bought for tonight.”
--DO walk her to her door and give her a goodbye hug or kiss if things went well, asking
if you can call her again.
--Don’t tell her that her hymen will never forgive her if she doesn’t let you
come in for a while.
--DO wave goodbye while you walk away and promptly head home.
--Don’t come back at three in the morning and sit outside her bedroom with your night
vision binoculars.
And Finally,
--DO, if things should go that way, wear a condom.
--Don’t put a sock over your manhood and inform her that she’s, “Just my
second cousin.”
That’s all I’ve got for now, kiddos. Sure I could go on, but if you all have my
best secrets, I’d have to actually work a little at getting dates. Actually guys, why
don’t you just ignore all of this stuff and keep on doing what you’ve been
doing. Yeah, that’ll be just fine...suckers.
--Charmies |
