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Takin' Care of Business! A Story by |
| Recently I
have switched majors here at the University of Iowa, and being a long time biology major,
this new business major has bombarded me with tons of fresh, exciting, but sometimes
confusing information. Now I am not quite comfortable with the business world, as I have
not become accustomed to its intricacies. So I have been comprising a list of simple
business etiquette that will help the young, aspiring business professionals of tomorrow
be all that they can be.(Note: No longer trademarked by the U.S. Army. Their new slogan is
“An Army of One”. What the hell is that?)1.
Shirts proclaiming “I’m with Stupid” or “I like Boobies” are
frowned upon when negotiating with future partners and/or speaking in front of large
groups.
2. Weiner size does NOT determine rights to takeovers or
settle disputes on who should be the CEO. (Thank God for me...oh, and I guess that’s
good for women too.)
3. When meeting the other companies representatives, a cordial
handshake is obligatory. “Don’t touch me.” is not an acceptable response.
4. Relating to #3, anything past a handshake also is
usually frowned upon. Crotch grabbing, tickling, and any type of tongue/client interaction
is strictly prohibited.
5. When starting a company, your Mom cannot hold the titles of Vice
President of Operations, Chief Operating Officer, and Chief Financial Officer. They
(business professionals) see that as “Unprofessional”.
6. If negotiations are going well, an amusing anecdote may be in
order. Any stories beginning with “So Billy Bob had this pig, right...” or
ending with “...and that’s when I knew it had to be amputated.” should be
avoided.
7. If you come from a porn star background or any of the perverted
arts, the “double-entry system” of accounting is much different than what you
are used to.
8. Picking stocks based solely on their ticker symbols does not
necessarily yield high returns. Tickers like BUTT, WANG, JIZ, XXX, and LEZ don’t even
exist, but even if they did, they wouldn’t make what you think they do.
9. Limiting company spending is a big part of operating a successful
business. Subscriptions to any of the following magazines for company use is considered
“frivolous”: Hustler, Penthouse, Juggs, Club, or [Insert body part] Fantasy.
Also, “One-night female companion” cannot be written off on your taxes.
10. When hiring staff for your fledgling company, be sure the
applicants know what is expected of them. Set rules that are reasonable but stern.
Remember: Male associates are never REQUIRED to wear dresses or lipstick, and female
associates are never REQUIRED to participate in the daily listening/portrayal of
Juvenile’s “Back That Ass Up.”
11. Your company slogan should not contain the word “Booty”
as pertaining to a backside or region between the lower back and upper thigh.
12. “Tommy Boy” is not an “Official guide to taking
over and maintaining a business.”
13. Advertising during the Super Bowl or any one of the big name
college bowl games is beneficial to your company. Advertising during a Professional
Bowlers Association event more than likely is not.
14. Having sexual relations with certain associates/company
mascots/company owned property could result in a demotion/promotion.
15. Worker morale is important in maintaining a healthy work
environment. Release surveys to find out what your workers want and what you can do for
them. Questions such as “Boxers or Briefs?” and “Cup size?” are
irrelevant and should be stricken from the survey.
I can’t speak for everybody, but I for one am glad I learned these lessons before I got deep into the cold, hard world of business. A special thanks goes out to the ground breaking pioneers that took the fall to prove that the aforementioned business practices were insufficient for today’s fast-paced, sometimes out of control business world. If not for them, where would we be. Nakedwarrior |
-Now that you've read something, he's written. Wouldn't you like to find out more about Nakedwarrior? Here you go. |
