"Dick Butkus...like Woah!”
Saturday,
February 24th, 2001 the NY/NJ Hitmen and the Chicago Enforcers battled it out at Soldier
Field, in Chicago. The two teams at the bottom of Vince McMahon's ultra-controversial XFL.
Three hours after the kickoff, the players, the minds of the fans, and the television
ratings...were dirty. The players were dirty due to Mother Nature emptying her ample
bladder on the Windy City the entire day and the mud it led to. The minds of the fans were
left dirty after NBC showing more shots of the cheerleaders than of the game, or so it
seemed. And the television ratings as the XFL brought in it's worst total to date.
To those that watched the game, it was horrible to even real XFL fans. Now just imagine
driving 700 miles in one weekend just to attend the game....because that's exactly what we
did. Yeah, you heard right, part of the GYEAH.com staff traveled across the country to see
the Hitmen vs. the Enforcers in February at Soldier Field. The road trip had been planned
for months, long before the XFL even officially opened. At a drunken party, plans were
made to make the pilgrimage to Chicago, home of another GYEAH.com Staff Member...Skizzow.
So last Friday, Vertigo, Hoss, and Kenyon packed into my Pontiac Grand Am and headed east
to Illinois from one of the most boring towns in Iowa, that being Tama. And it being one
of the most boring in Iowa would put it high on the list of most boring in the U.S., if not
the world. But back to the trip, after over 6 hours of driving, one stop at the Mecca
(Best Buy), much McDonald's consumption, and many bathroom breaks we finally made it to
the homestead of the Skizzow.
On arrival handshakes and ass slaps were exchanged by all....and then things got
interesting. Dreamcasts, Playstation 2's, big screen TVs, DVDs, Bud Light...all the most
technologically advanced products of our day were used to the fullest that night. Some
perhaps too fully. That would explain why in the morning my mouth tasted like what a
Porta-Potty smells like.
The next morning came rough, and the rain already pouring wasn't helping. But we still
rised, like the soldiers we are....or something like that. We then hit up the local Big
K-Mart for all the beer and rain ponchos we could carry. Have any of you been in one of
these Big K-Marts? My god man, they have everything from tapioca to teatherballs to
tampax. It frightens me...that's all I have to say about that. Where was I? Oh
yeah...pre-game...
“Thanks
for coming out in this badass weather.” – “Thanks
for coming out in this badass weather.” – Jim Ross
Oh yes...pre-game. After battling through
almost two hours of downtown-Chicago traffic, we arrived at Soldier Field. Upon arrival,
we attempted to park as close as we could to the stadium for some regulation tailgating.
The sign read $11 for parking, but we figured what the hell when are we going to need
money. How's the saying go "money for nothing, chicks for free." Back to the
parking situation. Well our parking attendent informed us of the price, and we paid him.
We then inquired if we could park in the area near the stadium, in his best attempt at
English (obviously his second, if not third or fourth language) he stated "No
problem." Then the driver of our vehicle (Sweetbaby Ray - Coworker of Skizzow's)
inquired if it would be alright if we "smoked marijuana" also. The answer he got
was..."No Problem."
So after harassing Soldier's Field's finest help and doing some smooth talking on another
parking attendent, our vehicle came to a stop less than 20 yards from Soldier's Field. We
had to promise one attendent we would return to him much "cerveza", but of
course we never remembered to do so.
Now that we were parked, it was time for
some tailgating. Looking back on the day, the tailgating was far superior to the actual
football game we were warming up for, but that's not to say it was perfect. With the rain
pouring down, we ate soggy hot dogs and hamburgers and Wagon (a high school friend of all
of ours)'s special "meat rub" washed away. Damn Mother Nature! Later though, the
grill came in handy as the majority of us used it to dry out our gloves, or at least warm
them up.
But enough BS, this is a story about a Road Trip, and what the hell is a road trip without
a destination. Well at 7:00 pm, we officially arrived as the Enforcers vs. Hitmen game was
underway. We were already soaked, so we praying for a good game to make it all worth
while. We had 7th row seats, so things we're already looking good for the rest of the
night. Those of you that watched the game know we didn't get anything like that instead we
got:
-John Avery sitting out the entire game due to "injury." What in the hell are
the Enforcers saving him for is the question I have? Are they going to make sure he is
100% so when they're 0-9 they can re-unveil him? The most exciting player in the XFL, the
only reason our trip could hold any legitimacy...and he doesn't play. Terriable.
-A fan in our nearby vacanity, on numerous occasions, was getting in touch with mother
nature. Smoking some of that "ol sticky icky" for the Snoop Dogg fans out there.
We couldn't find the pot head in the crowd, but we could sure as hell smell him. It was
like a game of "Where's Waldo." Some fans most likely got a contact high, and it
was was one of the highlights of their night. Terriable.
-Four or five drunken fans in their mid to late 20's were talking extreme junk in the row in
front of us. They were from the Chicago area and were attempting to root for the home
Enforcers. But they heard the name Jaime Baisley over the PA System and the rest of the
night they mocked him for what they referred to as "him having a gay-sounding
name." They boo-ed anti-Baisley and Hitmen sentiment in conjunction. If only these
idiots knew Baisly was not only an Enforcer, but one of the best defensive players in the
league. Terriable.
But wait, oh wait...the night was not a complete bust. Not by a long shot. The things that
saved the game were:
-Rusty Tillman vs. Jesse Ventura. For those of you that switched away from the game before
it was over...your loss. As you all know Ventura was talking smoke about Tillman's play
calling all throughout the night, even calling him "gutless". Well the geniuses
behind the XFL, had Mike Adamale running down field and repeating these commments to
Tillman in an attempt to get a rise out of him. Tillman responded once saying something
like "Why do I care what Jesse Ventura thinks? What does he know about football? He
probably doesn't know if its stuffed or filled?" Pretty witty retort by Tillman, not
completely original...but I enjoyed the heat. Then as the game ended, it got really
interesting. As the final seconds ticked off the clock, Ventura began stalking down from
the annoucer's booth towards the field. Everyone in our group got hyped up, not knowing
what to expect. With XFL's ratings sagging worse than a grandma's boobs, I actually
thought we might see a scuffle..but this was almost as good. As Tilllman attempted to
leave the field, Ventura shoved a mic in his face and tried to get some words from the
victorious coach. Tillman wasn't having it, refusing to say anything to Jesse, besides
"I don't have anything to say to you." Tillman kept going off the field, Ventura
followed but still couldn't get a word out of him. As Tillman disappeared, Ventura worked
the mic like a damn pro, saying "Did you see how fast he wanted to get off the field?
HE'S AFRAID OF ME!" Utter classic moment. Real tension, real heat...it was worth the
drive by itself.
-One other redeeming moment of the game, actually came after the game also. As the stadium
cleared out, which was amazingly quick. I suddenly decided we should try and go up to the
annoucer's booth and throw some verbal love Jim Ross's way. Ross of course of WWF fame,
also annouces XFL games. Well not more than a minute after we got up by the booth, Ross
began his exit. But before he could leave, more than half of us got to shake hands with
the WWF legend. He even thanked us for coming out "in this badass weather."
Never have I referred to weather as "badass", but from that day forward, I will,
haha.
That's my take on the good, the bad, and
the ugly of our XFL Road Trip, but our coverage doesn't end there...not by a long shot. So
from here, choose your destiny and journey with us on our XFL ROAD TRIP:
XFL ROAD
TRIP - The CD
XFL
ROAD TRIP - The Photo Album
XFL ROAD
TRIP - New Slang Introduced
XFL
ROAD TRIP - Hoss' J-Urinal
XFL
ROAD TRIP - Skizzow's Top 10
*THANKS FOR LETTING US SHARE OUR ROAD TRIP WITH YOU!* |
