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Say NO! to Beer
in a Plastic Bottle! A Story by |
| Gyeah.com readers,
while many of you sleep on occasion, rest assured (no pun intended) that Gyeah.com
contributors never sleep. I, in my shady capacity as a contributor to Gyeah.com, have
spent many hours pondering the future of beer drinking in America. Many hours of
scientific beer-purchasing madness/mania have revealed a troubling future for all of us... I'll keep this short...and sweet. Recently, I spent some time with some local fools here in Iowa not-quite-a-City, Iowa, drinking beer and watching Bruce Lee movies. Our quest for a culturally diverse experience was cut short, however, by the amount of alcoholic beverage that we consumed over a three hour period (for the sake of Gyeah.com readers, I have mercifully edited out all puns referring to drunken boxing). During a nearly tearful drunken tirade which nearly cost him his balance, a comrade declared his intention to "(...drink all the beer for the next thousand years)...so that our children never have to taste beer out of a can." Actually it was me that made this declaration, and it did cost me my balance. I'm writing this article in order to foment revolution in taste, so thatno one's children will ever have to slug-a-brew out of anything less than a good, solid, old-fashioned glass bottle. Let me begin by asking a simple question. Who in God's name drinks out of a can? As point of fact, I think that at some point we all do. There is a great maxim to keep in mind when dealing with brew in general, "Ain't the first time, won't be the last," (I encountered this maxim when an acquaintance was asked if he was going to pass out in the bathtub). Anything can happen when drinking, and anything does; just ask attendees to The Naked Warrior's 50-pitcher bar-attending, madness-inducing birthday party.) Furthermore, as a (poor) cheap-ass consumer, I'm most interested in the lowest-priced alcohol...show me a sale and I'll show you my credit card and possibly wee-wee (wee-wee dependent upon offer of extreme further discount and a non-homosexual sexual encounter). However, just as eventually a fish grew legs and walked, just as eventually God and Al Gore invented the internet (and later God found my car keys...actually that was this morning), so we too shall eventually undergo evolution. However, any future evolution is being challenged by a terrible phenomenon... Why is it that beer is in a can? Because it's tradition. However, this tradition has recently taken on a sinister dimension reminiscent of a "Chuckie" sequel. A long time ago, our ancestors slapped brew-doggies down their gullets from the only receptacles available: the glass bottle. And the Lord declared the glass bottle to be good. However, when the Devil invented the taste-killing beer CAN, what infernal device did he use to convert the comfortably-heathen masses? Price. Yes, people were actually tricked into selling their souls not for Rock and Roll (as should have been done), but rather for an aluminum "brew." I speak of the Fall of Man because the beer-Devil that is the American brewery is attempting to make us sin again, specifically by buying...brace yourself...Beer In A Plastic Bottle. Get a hold of yourself...yes, I know you've all seen what I'm talking about, lurking behind and to the side of Special Export and Special Export Lite at the local Quickie Mart... They are a six-pack of sin, my friends. Our future is in danger. Certainly the evolution of beer consumption is a debatable topic, but if this evil is allowed to multiply..what's next, beer in a two-liter plastic bottle? We as honest, sexy drunkards can not allow this violation to continue, and so I ask...nay, I plead with the public to Stop Buying This Ish!! The only way we can win is if we work together. And remember, just as there is an "us" in "uterus," so now our collective state represents a possible pre-natal revolution of taste: by refusing to buy beer in a plastic bottle, we are standing up for dignity and our future evolution! Just as Martin Luther King had a dream, so I too have a dream...a sexy, drink-sodden dream...that some day my children will not be judged by the color of their skin, but rather by the beer they hold in their tiny, underage hands. And I pray every day (to my saviour-ette, the sexy-sexy Beer-goddess... *insert Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" here*) that it won't be in a plastic bottle... God Bless America, and God Damn the Beer In A Plastic Bottle!! ...and remember..."Beer! (in a plastic bottle)..Huh!...Good God, y'all, What is it good for? ...Absolutely Nothin'!" -Romml has the above slogan tattoed on his keyster, along with Gene Simmons' face... |
-Now that you've read something, he's written. Wouldn't you like to find out more about Romml? Here you go. |
