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Top 10 Things Not
to do at a Carnival! An Article by |
| It's summer! What
does that mean? It means the caravan known as the Carnival is coming into town soon!
Infact, the carney parade comes to my town in less than a week. Well, I figured I'd share
some of my knowledge with the unknowledgable, with the top 10 things NOT to do at a
Carnival. These are purely my opinions, and if you don't like them, go read something
else! No skin off my nose. Besides, I speak the truth, so why not love me? 10) Be seen anywhere near the "Mule Nugget Toss" God I hate Missouri. This is included in the "Festivities" in my towns carnival. I'm not sure how many other towns it takes place in, but it must be avoided AT ALL COSTS. 9) Stick around for the tractor pulls If you enjoy tractor pulls, let me kick you in the head. Nothing epitomizes white trash more than a tractor pull. "Gee Billy, lets see if our John Deere can pull this bigass thing over to there!" With all of the forms of entertainment available, this makes me fear for the human race. May as wall just strap a rope to a farmers balls, tie the other end to a boulder, and see if he can move it. 8) Enter the beer tent after dark A large group of drunken hicks (I live in Missouri, you'll see the word "hick" a lot). Do you really want to expose yourself to this type of person, in a large group? Doesn't matter what sex you are, chances are you'll be anally raped by the time you leave. And if you're participating in the drinking, you may not even notice! 7) Play the games Every game at a Carnival is rigged. The basketball is always larger than the hoop, the milkcans are weighed down, and it's all to keep you playing. I've been caught by this before, and spent nearly 30 dollars on one game in less than 5 minutes. I walked away, cussing as always, because just then I realized I'd been ripped off. 6) Go on any ride that makes more noise than a Pinto If it's rusted, and pieces are noticeably about to fall off, best not to ride it. If they're cleaning bodily fluids off of it, best not to ride it. If the ride is louder than the cheesy 70's rock that's being played during it, don't ride it. 5) Eat the food I, myself, am going to die of clogged arteries. While eating the food at carnivals, even I can feel it clinging to my artery walls. Pay attention to sharp pains in your chest, they'll be there. But that's what happens when you substitute cooking oil with husk. 4) Try to pick up a Carny I don't know why I should have to say this. Carny's are there own, non-humanoid race, and should be dealt with likewise. They are traveling trailer trash, it's amazing watching them roll into town. Anyways, unless you like the idea of a future in a 1974 Winebago, generic brand beer in one hand, junk in the other...be my guest, pick up a Carny. 3) Use the restrooms A recent study has been done on a Carny Port-A-John and there were 107 STD's found on the toilet seat, 34 of which were not previously known. But for real foolios, just take a whiff and you should know you shouldn't be there. 2) Go to the Carnival with your other half This may sound strange, but it ties in with #1 more than anything. Carny's are hick-ass hormones embodied. Unless you think you can stand up for your other half against the Carny's, don't include them. 1) Pick a fight with a Carny And the number one reason, DON'T PICK A FIGHT WITH A CARNY. Have you seen them fight? They're like a pack of wolves. I saw a fight between a Guy and a Carny suddenly turn into a fight with a Guy and 6 Carny's. That's why you shouldn't take your other half. They'll almost definitely be whistled at or some other show of hormones, and I know I'm not the only one that get's pissed when that happens. So unless you can take the whole pack of Carny's, DON'T pick a fight. Hopefully I've enlightened you somewhat as to what not to do at the Carnival. Never trust a Carney! |
-Now that you've read something, he's written. Wouldn't you like to find out more about Downer? His bio is coming soon!. |
