Romance ala 56K Modems

Some have tackled the playing field of love in publications such as "TeenPeople", "Penthouse" and the ever-popular "Seventeen" magazines. But as of right now the territory of online dating has relatively been treated like a virgin's honey pot, untouched. In this second installment of the Peabody Award Winning 56k Modem Series That's where I have to step in and set up some guidelines and rules for the general public.

Step One: Caring
Despite the smutternization of the Internet by sleazy Adult Check porno sites most women don't like it if you come right out and say, "Hey jizzjar, wanna breed?" I know for a fact it doesn't work. I've tried it many a time. Be suave. Pretend you care about how her sister won't leave her room. YOU DO care about how her Mom wants her to clean the house. Any sympathy may lead to sex down the road.

Step Two: Hiding the Facts
    Unless you're like a Hoss you probably think its kinda cheesy goin after chicks that you've never seen and vice versa. So in that spirit of thinking there are a few ways to hide it from your friends. One. Whenever possible keep them away from your computer. Any contact your friends may have with your online love interest may lead to your cover being blown. Two. If at all possible use such methods of messaging such as Yahoo Messenger or MSN Messenger. They are easier to hide and your friends are less likely to start chatting on your account when it comes to those two. If for some reason you are anti-Yahoo or MSN I suggest using a different user name on icq and password protecting it.

Step Three: Whenever Possible Get a Full Body Picture
    In this age of better corn removal products from reputable medical product giants such as Dr. Scholl's, it's a good idea to get a good idea of the body as a whole. I've seen some fat women with nice faces, that kind of false advertisement should be illegal. At all odds one must avoid the dreaded "Game Pouch". You all know what it is. It's that horrid pouch that some girls have right below their belly. That shit=gross and must be avoided or you don't know if you're going to find a dead squirrel in it (thus the "game" part of the name).

Step Four: The Meeting
    A quality deodorant will ensure maximum protection against pit stains or foul odors. Let's face it everyone gets nervous. Protect yourself by being aware of your perspiration factor. Wear a white shirt instead of a grey one. Don't be stupid butt monkey. Get directions. I've recently learned the hard way that it's not smart to try and find the place on your own. If you do happen to find yourself lost ask a friendly face where you might find the correct street. If even that doesn't help consult a neighborhood softball game for solace and time wasting before the long trip back home. If by chance you don't chicken out or you don't find yourself cheering for the Linn-Mar Lions, while you're with her stress sex as much as possible. You have nothing to lose since the success rate of Net Relationships is as tiny as Shook's underwear budget.

Well folkies that's about it for your Internet dating tutorial. Stay tuned for my next episode of the Internet diaries to find out how one man, this man, turned an entire neighborhood on to a humorous porn site. ByE!

-Now that you've read something, he's written. Wouldn't you like to find out more about Hoss? Here you go.