Scandalous Behaviors

You’ve all heard the stories in the locker rooms and internet chat rooms; stories of a dude dating three girls at once, or some cheerleader telling people a teacher gave her the clap. What would this world be with out those scandalous stories designed to both titillate and arouse. Now it’s all fun and games to hear about how some other sucker got played, but when you’re the one waking up in a strange hotel room, fighting off a hangover and unable to find last night’s date or your wallet, things aren’t as fun. So with that in mind, here are a few easy pointers to help keep you safe from those who wish to play you.

Bedroom Behaviors

First off, the simple truth is that most scandalous stories involve some low-rent romance or late night rendezvous. If there’s one thing that America has been able to scandalize the most, it’s been what goes on between the sheets (or in the back seat of a Pinto, for those of you in Iowa). So, before you start bumping uglies, here are a few things to think about.

--Guys, always taste your woman’s birth control pills. If it tastes like a M&M, you might want to think things over. Also, no matter what a girl says, if her birth control looks like a gummy bear, it’s probably a gummy bear.

--Be wary of girls who can stay up later than you. They’re most likely on meth or getting ready to take you for your ice, or wallet, or in my case, "Uff Da" key chain and fake Oakleys.

--Girls, never do anything you’d be ashamed of in front of any type of camera. You know most guys will start mass-producing that thing as soon as you’re out the door. Unless you want to be the next underground porno legend, learn to detect surveillance.

--For those of you in Kentucky, here’s a helpful hint: a tube of plastic wrap and a zip-tie don’t constitute a contraceptive device.

--If there’s one thing we’ve learned from such visionaries as Clarence Thomas or the millions of other people slapped with sexual harassment suits, never, EVER even look twice at a co-worker. There’s that saying about not getting your sugar where you get your bread and all, but although it may be sweet and mouth watering, don’t even acknowledge that sugar where you work.

--Don’t lie about your virginity. Just think of all the sit-coms that have been based on that subject alone. Just face it, if you haven’t found the right one yet, you haven’t found the right one yet. Also, we’re not all Mormons, so what’s the rush?

Bathroom Behaviors

Now I know what you’re saying, "Charmies man, what could possibly be scandalous about the bathroom?" Plenty, my little ambrosia cake. From the ever deadly "infected toilet seat" to word getting out that you’re a toilet singer, there’s plenty to hide about your potty habits. Submitted for your enjoyment and education, here are my bathroom tips.

--Unless you’re about to burst, never use one of those toilet stalls that don’t have the door on them. Other than being bent over a San Francisco bath house sauna seat, can you think of a more compromising, possibly embarrassing position than sitting on the Rave...err, John?

--When you’re sitting on the John , refrain for testing your excretory gas decibel levels unless you’re completely sure that you’re alone. After all, do you really want to be known as the guy that was able to rattle the lobby’s windows without leaving your bathroom stall?

--Finally, never pay to use a toilet. A bathroom is not just somewhere where layers go to sniff coke, it’s a designated area all establishments provide to make sure that no one drops a bomb somewhere inappropriate. If I ever have to pay to use the bathroom, it’s going to be due to the "defecating in public" ticket the boys in blue give me.

Securing Your Heterosexuality

Now don’t get me wrong here, I find very few things more fun than letting off a good run of borderline homoerotic jokes, but you have to know how to walk that fine line, or you may find some unexpected phone calls from men who enjoy Depeche Mode and talk with a lisp. Be a man, (or woman) and follow these helpy-helpful pointers.

--While posters of your favorite sports heroes or musical influences of the same sex may be appropriate for your wall decoration, autographed pictures of your favorite same-sex daytime soap opera stars may cause a few whispers.

--Two words; Barbara Streisand. I don’t care what sex you are, those two words when put together roughly translate out to, "Avoid ever complementing anything associated with me."

--If you’re a guy and your shorts are tighter than your socks, you might want to rethink your wardrobe. Inversely, if you’re a girl and you sport two articles of clothing with different tractor brand logos on them, face it, you’re either a farmer or a dyke.

--No matter how true it may be guys, never claim that you like an athlete because he has "the look." Just lie like the rest of us and talk about how you respect his potential, no matter how bad he may be. Girls, never list Janet Reno, Linda Tripp, or Nicole Bass as your "style role models."

AND FINALLY...

My one tip to keep you out of all kinds of potential scandals:

Stay off the Gyeah staff. I swear, if the public majority knew about the crap we spout out daily, I’d be on my way to Northern Idaho to hide out under militia protection.

As always, the pleasure was mutual, baby. Call me...

-Now that you've read something, he's written. Wouldn't you like to find out more about Charmel? Here you go.