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eBay eVils! A Story by |
| We all know it’s
out there. We all know that we want it. We just don’t know where it is. Yes folks,
there’s always that certain something that we’re longing for, but for years
haven’t been able to find. However, over the span of the past few years, the Internet
auction behemoth known as eBay has changed all that. Now everything that we could possibly
want is out there with someone who is willing to part with it...for a price. However, I
must ask if this convenience is really worth the social and ethical cost that eBay
presents? First off, sure it’s great that you can actually get your grubby little hands on that Playstation 2 that you’ve been lusting for or that 8” by 10” photo of Data from “The Goonies” that you’ve been searching for since you first saw the movie. And sure, it’s really great that all you have to do is sit in front you the tan box (Or the magenta penis-tip for you Mac users.) and just click away. However, have you actually sat back and thought about what you’re actually doing? Every time you buy something off eBay, you are personally hurting the world’s economy. Just think of it this way, let’s say that you want Shaggy’s new CD, “Hotshot.” Instead of driving down to your local mall or music store, you waddle your overweight moneymaker over to the tan box and induce your carpel tunnel syndrome in the name of saving the almighty buck. So you win the auction, you pay $11.50 plus $1.50 for shipping and handling, leave some positive feedback for some jabronie in Iowa, and wait. So now you sit, out $13.00, with nothing to show for it for about a week. Now that may be demoralizing enough, but that’s nothing compared to what you’ve done to the world’s economy. After all, if you were to drive to the store and actually risk human interaction to buy your beloved CD, you support your local economy, instead of the wallet of some balding Brittany Spears stalker in Des Monies, you would support the economy to a possible excess of a 150% gain, possibly higher. Still not convinced, look at the itemized list below in terror. Economic Impact of buying Shaggy “Hotshot” CD on eBay - Original seller buys CD from his local Fred Meyer’s for $12.98 - eBay buyer (you) wins CD auction, paying $11.50 + $1.50 S&H. - Net Economic Sales: $12.98 Economic Impact of buying Shaggy “Hotshot” CD from local retailers - Original seller buys CD from his local Fred Meyer’s for $12.98 - You buy CD from local Sam Goody for $15.00 (sucker) - While at Sam Goody, you spot a slammin’ Men At Work poster: $4.50 - On the way home, you stop at Burger King and order three $0.99 items: $2.97 - You stop at the gas station, buying 5 gallons of gas and a 20 oz. Pepsi: $9.00 - You drive 15 miles, round trip. 2/3 Gallon of Gas: $1.00 (future expense) - Net Economic Sales: $45.45 Now do you understand the consequences that the simple act of buying a normal item from eBay carries? In total, by buying the precious Shaggy CD on eBay, you’ve cost the local and world economy a total of $32.47! Thirty-Two, freakin’ Forty-Seven, people! It’s bad enough that your local small retail stores have to deal with the bigwig corporations, but now they have to deal with eBay because you’re too lazy to get out of that 11’ by 12’ rat hole you call a studio apartment? For shame! Now for my second point. By staying between your tan box (computer) and your idiot box, (TV) you’re not doing your social life any service, either. After all, just how many times has that hot cashier from the local record store been conveniently located on your couch? If you’re reading this my friend, my guess would be not often. Now I by no means claim to be any type of stud or ladies man, but I do know one indelible truth about meeting girls. You have to go where they are! If chicks were spawned through the computer, those dudes playing Magic: The Gathering in the cafeteria back in your high school days wouldn’t have had a problem getting chicks, but the simple fact is that no matter how hard you try, you’re not going to meet any Cameron Diaz look-alikes while typing in “Episode II Spoilers” on Yahoo! So here’s the plan. Take what I like to call, “A trip into town.” Now I know, I know. This is new terminology to most of you lovemuffins, but think back to the eighties, hell the early nineties and remember what you asked your parents for when you wanted a shiny new toy. You didn’t ask them to log on, stupid! You asked them to drive you to town. Now this served multiple purposes. First off, there was the mission at hand; getting the new GI Joe “Snake Eyes” figure. Second off, there was the social aspect. Not only did you chance meeting a friend, this was the time that your parents taught you how to conduct yourself in public. Do you ever remember throwing a tantrum because dad wouldn’t let you get two Transformers? Do you remember learning that if you threw another fit in public that you’d be, “Feeling the sting of my belt next time”? Well, ‘nuff said. Now I know that most of you have progressed on past the tantrum phase, but there are still many important social skills that you can learn while shopping. First off, there’s flirting. Friends of the opposite sex or even strangers of similar age who are working as cashiers or other store personnel are perfect unimposing targets for a little flirting. Either they’re going to talk to you if they’re in a good mood, or you can cheer them up if they hate their job. And of course, if everything goes wrong, you’re checked out and on your way in a few minutes. It’s the perfect out guys, use it. One other thing is that just like when you were a kid, you might just meet a friend while you’re out on your shopping trip. Now remember that when you saw your friends out and about that you would sometimes set up play dates with them? Well, you can still do the same, bro. Take the opportunity to see what your bro’s and your hotties are up to and try to make some plans. I mean, wouldn’t it be much better to spend a Friday night at a party with your bro’s or with that certain girl that makes your um...heart spring than to be sitting in front of the computer trying to figure out how to work the mouse with your right hand down your pants? After all, doesn’t the saying go, “All jerk and no play makes Jack a freakin’ pervert?” Well maybe not, but I think it holds true. Anyway, if not for the economic reasons, avoid eBay for the sake of your social life. Finally, we have the ethical dilemma that using eBay presents. Do you know that anyone of any age can purchase implements of the perverted arts over eBay? Condoms, vibrators, cock rings and penis pumps are all just a click away, even for the now computer literate toddlers of today. Now I know we here at Gyeah.com have a resident daddy in Psycho Soup and even though he is a little on the risque side, I wouldn’t dare think that he’d allow his kid to be running around with a ring for any part of the body that society has deemed needing concealment. Also, eBay proudly displays all of its wares on an equal basis. Video rental stores have adult rooms, towns have separate sex shops, but eBay will proudly display a 24-inch rubber penis as a featured auction if the seller should see it fit to pay the featured auction fee. It’s true folks, eBay places the French Ticklers right next to the Tickle Me Elmo's. In fact, it not only places them together, it combines the two. It’s true, it’s true, you can buy a French Tickle Me Elmo on eBay...if the price is right. Also, eBay is a bastion for the Orwellian idea of thoughtcrime. (Yeah, a cheap 1984 plug, go buy it on eBay, fool.) The leering text search box sits silently, jeering you through your computer screen, asking you to come up with the most perverse thing you can, just for the sake of seeing if someone is selling it. You don’t believe me? Try typing in “dog balls” and see how many items you come back with. Not only are these items perverse, but also ludicrous. Ever been looking for a used toothbrush in “really bad condition?” Go to eBay to find it. Ever wanted a pair of used women’s underwear? Go to eBay to find it. Hell, for that matter, ever wanted a pair of boy’s size 8 Star Wars Episode 1 underwear? (I know a few of you might be wearing them now.) Go to eBay to find MORE of them! I tell you people, eBay may be your friend for finding those rare items, but lo, do not depend on it for your everyday shopping needs! It will not only strip our economy to the bone, it will ravage you repeatedly, much like an eighteenth century English soldier to an Irish housewife, taking not only your mind, body, and soul, but also your social life, your money, and the very moral fibers that make you human! Down with the use of eBay for the purchase of common items! Down with Big Brother! Down with your conformist ways! Now is a time of rebellion, we must not let the Internet husk heap devour us! Do not let the convenience fool you, for all that will be left will be a white-skinned, limp-wristed shell of what you once were. Oh, the computers have already taken over and their leader eBay is wearing us down for the kill. REPENT! (Oh yeah, this is a comedy piece. If you haven’t figured it out by now, find a nice place to bang your head against a wall, it shouldn’t do any further damage.) |
-Now that you've read something, he's written. Wouldn't you like to find out more about Charmel? Here You Go. |
