| Valentine’s
Day is over, and spring is coming. Ah, spring the season of growth, the season of love.
Spring is also the season of disparity. What does that mean to you? Yep, a lot of ugly
people who didn’t get theirs over V-day are gonna be all up in you. How can you stop
it? Don’t fret, follow the steps. Being on the
ugly/desperate side myself, I can tell you, we’re sick of:
- Let’s just be friends.
- I don’t like you like that.
- I just don’t have time right now.
- You need to shower more.
- I have a boyfriend/husband/lesbian lover—wait strike
that last one.
- Maybe if you would comb your hair.
- I’m 45 years old, and you are only 21, Jake, it just
won’t work out.(name placed for hypothetical purposes only)
So for you gorgeous people out there, here’s what to
do:
- Try not to go on the date in the first place.
Start out slow:
- I have to do some homework.
- I need to have important time with the parents.
- My beloved pet died.
Anyone who’s been shot down will see right through
these. Move on:
- I need emergency surgery.
- I need to see my psychiatrist.
- My beloved grandma died.
Still not going to deter me. Continue:
- I need to cut up the body.
- I need to smell the pigeons.
- My beloved left foot died and needs to be amputated.
More suggestions:
- Not, "I will…sometime," instead, "I
will cut you."
- Not, "I have the flu," instead, "I have the
herpes."
- Not, "I am tired," instead, "I am
gay."
- If the subject is still not deterred, and you are forced
to go out on a date:
If you are a female do this:
- Finish each sentence with an anecdote about your period,
"And that’s when I reached for the feminine napkin…"
- Tell the guy about how much you still love your
ex-boyfriend. Then after you elaborate as much as possible, finish it off with,
"Yeah, I still love him, but not half as much as I love Jesus!"
- Go on about how large and protective your father is.
- Tell him how eating meat is wrong and cows are people too.
- Reveal that people are always mistaking you for 18, when
in actuality you are 11.
If you are male do this:
- Just let it go—you know what I’m talkin’
bout.
- Don’t talk to anything but the boobs.
- When asking questions about herself, go no deeper than
body parts. For example: Where’d you get that ass, girl? None of this, "What are
your lifetime goals?" shite.
- When asked questions about your area of expertise, always
answer with, "Not according to any porno movie I’ve ever seen." For
example: Say you are a geneticist, which studies show 75-80% of Gyeah.com viewers are or
aspire to be, and she asks you. "Do you think the mapping of the human genome will be
a big step in unlocking the secrets of debilitating genetic diseases?" You say,
"Not according to any porno movie I’ve ever seen."
- If she asks about any of the odd things you are doing on
the date reply, "The Supreme Master says in order to ride the spaceship to the center
of the sun…"
Now if this doesn’t work you got two choices left (a
combination of the two is recommended):
- Go to the local police department and pick up a
restraining order.
- Go to the local Walmart and pick up some pepper spray.
Well I hope that helped, and have a great spring, and
just don’t catch my eye. I’ve got protective goggles, and a man can only get so
many restraining orders, hehe.
|
