Ok,
picture this. After a week or more of being overwhelmed with college and an increasingly
odd personal life, I had no idea about what the hell I could contribute to the Gyeah
website. I’ve been toying around with some ideas, but they were always too weird, too
normal, too queer, too whatever. Then as I sat content in front of my TV watching David
Letterman at midnight, it came to me. No, not an idea. Goc came to me. He says to me,
“Aren’t animals sexy? I mean, wouldn’t you just like to bang an
animal?” Then something else hit me. Goc is one messed-up fool with a real contorted
sense of reality. Who bangs animals?
Then for a third time in like thirty seconds, something hit me. We don’t bang
supermodels either, but who among us wouldn’t want to slip a little something into
Anna Kournikova or even Rebecca Romijn-Stamos? So what’s the difference between
wanting to bang Anna and wanthing to do the hunga-ba-bumba with a Moose, for instance?
Nothing, that’s what. You aren’t gonna do either… well probably not, so its
harmless to think about. So we decided the only logical step to take would be to compile a
list of the top 10 animals we’d like to rail. Here it is.
Disclaimer: Having sex with animals may or may not be
dangerous, immoral, stupid, exciting, and/or erotic. If you actually bang any of these
animals, we reserve the right to take pictures and post them on Gyeah.com.
Top
10 Animals I Want to F*ck!
Rank |
Picture
of Animal |
WHY?!?: |
#10. |
 |
Dog
- Its an obvious choice since they invented the sexual style of all sexual styles. Goc and
I talked at length about what breed of dog to bury a bone in. Poodle seemed like a good
choice at first, but a poodle is like that bitch you wouldn’t give a second look
except for the fact that she’s got nice clothes and fancy ass makeup because
she’s got some money. So screw the poodle… or actually, don’t. The real
deal is in the sharpei. They’ve got those deep eyes that you need to look into before
a night of love, and sharpeis have plenty of loose skin to grab onto when things start to
heat up. |
#9. |
 |
Gerbil - For some it may seem
an unimaginative choice, but the gerbil is an innovator in animal/human sexual
experimentation. For those of you hung more like a horseshoe crab than a horse, it may be
appropriate for penetration, but unless you want a hairy, bloody unit, I suggest you only
try this if you are microscopic. The real beauty is, as Goc so eloquently stated it,
“his ability to nibble inside my ass.” Goc feels you, Richard Gere. |
#8. |
 |
Garden
Slug - – I know you’re saying “What the fudge? I
wouldn’t rail a slug with your dong and Goc pushing,” but hear me out. According
to ifaq.com, grey garden slugs are so athletic that they “are able to copulate in
midair, suspended by stretchy strands of mucus up to 17 3/4 inches long.” Seventeen
and three-quarters inches… that’s like, seventeen times longer than my schlong.
And if you aren’t intrigued by midair sex, then maybe you are in the wrong place.
Also, garden slugs have both male and female sex organs. Says Goc, “You can have a
threesome every night! How sweet is that?” On the downside, when garden slugs have
trouble disengaging, “after long bouts of writhing and pulling, the pair may resort
to ... apophallation. Translated, this means that one slug gnaws off the penis of the
other.” |
#7. |
 |
Cow
- Who amongst us doesn’t love a fat-ass t-bone steak cooked to delicious perfection
and a bottle of A1 sitting there on the side? If steak is so damn good, you gotta think
that cow-sex would be equally as appetizing. No real man would disagree. I don’t
think that we even have to mention the many pros of a cow’s teat. |
#6. |
 |
Duckbilled
Platypus - Anything that ends with the wonderful syllable “pus”
has potential, and after careful consideration, we think this fuzzy animal known in the
scientific community as a Ornithorhynchus anatinus deserves a spot on the top ten. With
such a wide duck bill, the amount of ass this thing could potentially eat vastly
outdistances most other animals, and without the awkward, longer legs of a real duck. If
you haven’t had the wide, cold duck-bill of the duckbilled platypus nuzzling up to
your scrotum, you haven’t lived! |
#5. |
 |
Pig
- You think farmers raise pigs for their meat? They could have been butchering up
groundhogs or porcupines all these years; after all, some people eat rabbit for Christ
sake. You wanna really know why pigs are so damn popular? For one, they eat their own shit
– you wanna talk about kinky! If they’ll eat shit, they’ll eat anything,
and that makes for endless sexual possibilities. But if you ask any pigfarmer, you’re
likely to get the same response that I got from Goc: “Those tails are just too
cute.” Soooweeee! |
#4. |
 |
Snake - These invertebrates
would make it on the list if their only asset was that pronged tongue. You haven’t
had real tongue lovin’ until you’ve had forked-tongue lovin’. If you
haven’t heard, snakes can also swallow something like five times the diameter of
their bodies. Come on, now. But for that tight fit, you might want to shoot low and get
yourself a garden snake. (Disclaimer: Snakes have fangs. Don’t email us bitching
about two matching holes in your unit.) And if that isn’t your jar of KY, don’t
forget that depending upon the type of snake, they can fit easily into a sphincter of any
size. |
#3. |
 |
Cats
- And we’re not talking garden-variety house cats, either. We suggest Bengal Tigers.
Full grown Bengals weigh 400-500 pounds, but that fabulous fluffy form will feel like
nothing on your naked body when you get down to action. If you aren’t down with
pussy, why are you even reading this ish? |
#2. |
 |
Rabbit
- They’ve got a style all their own and a twitchy little nose that can make even the
sternest anus quiver with anticipation. Most importantly, have you seen how quick rabbits
are when they’re fornicating? The expression “humping like a rabbit”
didn’t come from nowhere folks. That’s just Goc’s style, a few rapid-fire
pumps, then a nice long nap. |
#1. |
 |
Kangaroo
- Two words you should consider: quick hands. How many times have you been with a girl and
you’re just lying there getting your junk handled and she just doesn’t know how
to get to the point? Half the time you gotta just slap her hand away and finish the job
yourself. Ever hear the expression, “if you want something done right, you gotta do
it yourself”? Well now you can do it yourself or get a kangaroo to do it for you.
Hands aren’t the only asset the down-under marsupial has, however. Goc has been known
to say on more than one occasion in the midst of countless kangaroo discussions, “I
want to sit naked in that pouch!” |
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