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Missing: Thomas
Jefferson Jay Leno Edward Furlong Shooks An article by |
No joke folks the lardo half-retarded roommate I call Thomas Jefferson Jay Leno Edward Furlong Shooks is completely A.W.O.L. It all started about a week ago…..
Monday, October 15 Location: Cedar Falls, Iowa Exact Location: Pepper’s Bar and Grill;
-Monday Night Foosball and beer. The perfect combination for an evening of straight entertainment. All seemed well; foosball and chicken wings were keeping the Hoss occupied in his first of 2 days off from that gawd-awful hell known as the Meskwaki Bingo/Casino/ Hotel. That name has more slashes than a hockey game in “Clerks”. Shooks was there. Seemed alright too….cept he wasn’t drinking like he had all the nights before. This baffles me to this day. See the Tama Clique is notorious for our drunken escapades in the hundred spoked Grand Slam of monsieur Gochanour. But while on our drunken pillaging of Tama one thing was a constant, Shooks rarely drank. I’ve thought about this question for many years and now realize the answer. He’s a homosexual. Yes. No matter how hard he tries to hide it I believe he licks men’s’ nuts. The facts are this folks: 1.) His last girlfriend looked like a man 2.) He makes frequent trips to Tama to visit a lover 3.) He has made it public that his latest CD download was UB40 4.) He is a huge fan of Prince, alone not a problem, but he likes UB40 too
WE FAST FORWARD A WEEK TO OCTOBER 22 Monday, October 22 Location: Waterloo, Iowa Exact Location: Julie Shooks’ van, .5 miles from Hawkeye Community College On the way to religion class at Hawkeye. My favorite class because of two things, Kelly and Erin. Both need licked. Both are “artsy fartsy” chicks. If I had either of these two I would never look at a woman ever again. Ok so that would be a farce but anyways we’re off the subject here. A new CD conjured up by The Goc has this honkie busting out such moves as “the rabbit hump” and several moves featured in the classic video “Me Myself and I” by De la Soul. This CD Goc made is perhaps the straightest…ever. Shooks instructs me to stop. I say what the hell for? He makes some comment on how it looks dumb. WTF? The only way I could have acted any straighter was to be penetrating a woman’s vagina with my penis. Which I might add I think about everyday. Don’t worry folks I’m getting somewhere with these tid-bits of information.
FAST FORWARD TO THAT NIGHT Still Monday, October 22, 2001 Location: Waterloo, Iowa Exact Location: 1240 Meadow Lane Good gawd he’s gone! I awake from my nap to find Tom-ass missing in action. The PS2…still on. The light in his room, on. As I sat there wondering where my little tubby boy was (I feel like a mother to him cause I gotta clean up after him and remind him to wipe his ass since that one time he shit them, lets not let him forget about that, shall we folks?) it finally dawned on me. My roommate is a gay prostitute! It all adds up. The bastard has no job, disappears every god dammed weekend and has gay tendencies. I cringe at the day I will come home and find him sucking some guy’s nuts while he caresses Shook’s’ jowls with his junk. I hope Myron J is happy he raised a fag. Maybe I’m being too harsh on the kid. Lets ask gyeah.com members what they think:
GOC: "I have concrete proof of his pirate smoking ways. The other day he told me if someone "falls over", then anyone who's within the nearby vicinity has the right to anally f*ck them. He was trying to condone rape or something with some odd argumentative technique, but all I know is I'm gonna watch where I walk around that bastard." DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT IN ANY WAY CONDONE VIOLENCE AGAINST GAY MEN. THEY SOON WILL KILL THEMSELVES OFF WITH AIDS AND JUMPING OFF OF THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE, THE CENTER OF THE GAY MAN’S HAJJ OR HOLY PILGRIMAGE TO THE GAYEST CITY IN AMERICA. |
-Now that you've read something, he's written. Wouldn't you like to find out more about Hoss? Here you go. |
