| Hey y'all this is
the Goc. As many of you may know, it's been my lifelong dream to be a comedian. I'm
obviously too ugly to be an actor and my hand model career has been ruined by many years
of unlubricated masterbation. So I enrolled in business school, but that's about as fun as
taking it up the ass from Leslie Nielsen. Okay, that's not really funny. But whenever I
think of "Naked Gun," I think of, well...his naked gun. Yeah I know, I'm f*cked
in the head. But I figured I could use my warped brain to have some fun, so I put together
some of my old rants and some new stuff I thought of while I was curled in the fetal
position from extreme sickness tonite, and I've put it in a sort of order. It's intended
to be a rough (emphasis on "rough") outline of a possible Goc orchestrated stand
up comedy routine. The reason this is on GYEAH.com and not at some stage, is at this point
I'm not really sure if I'm even remotely funny. My girlfriend tells me I'm funny, but it's
usually when I'm peeing, and I think the laughter is at my expense. Well anyways, how
about I get to the point. Below is what I have so far. Check it out: -Editor's Note: This contains extreme
language, the worst GYEAH.com has seen since Shooks streaked through my room. So if you're
offended, leave now. Ahh, if you're offended. JUST FUCK OFF! I'm just joking, but honestly
comedy is supposed to include curse words, it's true. So just bare with me this time:
Do I look nervous? Ahhh, I'm not nervous. Okay, I'm
shaking in my boots like Muhammad Ali on a vibrating bed. I haven't been this nervous
since the first time I tried to ummmm, you know...EAT PUSSY! Yeah, all you guys know what
I'm talking about. One night you got up the guts...and about 20 beers and finally decided
that you should go down and see what all the fuss is about. Maybe actually satisify you
woman for a change. So one fateful night I slowly creeped down there. I got down there and
I looked Chewbacca in the eye, and it just stared right back at me. I don't know what I
was thinking, for some reason I thought I would just go down and something inside me would
click in my head. I thought it was like a squirrel collecting nuts, that it was all
instinct. But I guess my family didn't have the pussy eatin' gene, cause I had no freaken
idea what to do. There was so many things to try and think to do. Do my fingers go here,
or over there? Do I lick, do I bite, do I suck that thing like a Hi-C juice box. I had no
damn idea. Pussies are more complicated than a Rubix Cube. I just sat there dumbfounded.
Speaking of dumb, who's the bastard running the climate control in here? It's hotter than
prison sex in here. Speaking of sex, I got some more problems with sex. But this sex isn't
my kind of sex, no I got beef with lesbians. I can't figure something out, help me out
here. Throw me a bone. What in the world is up with lesbians using penis like dildos??
Come on how much freaken sense does this make? They don't like men, yet they pleasure each
other with dildos shaped like PENISES FOR GODS SAKE! I like women, and you don't see me
going around and buying plastic men's fake hairy asses and buttjamming them into next
week. If I was gonna buy a plastic device, it would have vagina like qualities, similar to
a watermelon filled with jello. So lesbians, mold K.D. Lang or Ellen Degeneres' tongue or
something and use that shit, make some sense damn you! Penises for gods sake!
Shits fucked up. But you know what's even more fucked up? People when they're drunk. Yeah
you know what I'm talking about. How people will just blurt out the weirdest shit when
they're drunk. Who came here to get wasted? (pause) Who came here with a friend? (pause)
Well each one of you is going to hear some weird ass shit on the way home. You're going to
be walking home and your buddy is going to say some shit like, "Man, I'd love to ride
horseback with a midget." WHAT THE FUCK? Or "I wonder if a cow has two penises
since it has two stomaches?" -This part is a work in progress, Not funny yet, might
cut this out-
Weird shit, you know what's even weirder is people. Yeah people in this world. You know
why? Miss FUCKING Cleo! Yeah you know who I'm talking about the crazy psychic who's got
more commercials than hairs on Big Foot's ass. Have you actually seen these commercials?
People call in and Miss "My Accent is as Fake as My Hair" Cleo tells them stupid
shit like, "Your boyfriend with the funny chin doesn't have a job." Foolios call
in and are amazed when LaToya or whoever says "You have a dog who shits on the
rug," or "You knocked up your wife." Please people, why do you pay to be
told SHIT YOU ALREADY KNOW! Its like $5.95 a minute to be told shit you already freaken
know. Why don't you just hand me your drivers liscense and I'll tell your birthday and
blood type and you can ooh and ahh. Or next time you want to hear some shit you already
know, just call my ass up and I'll tell you your a damn foolish bastard. And I'll do it
for Free! Beat that Miss Cleo!
Speaking of beating, I had an idea when I was in bed last night. Okay, you know those Make
a Wish foundations where they give sick kids a chance to meet celebrities. Well, I was
thinking, I want to call one of those up and make up some fake ass illness. Tell 'em I got
a deadly case of halitosis or something. My breath is so bad even your mommy stopped
kissing me. Or I got a terminal case of the rickets. Or some Bullshit like that. Well
anyways, the foundation people swoon and they tell me I can have a Big Mac or something
and can meet someone famous. So my plan is to tell 'em I want to meet N'Sync. Yeah that's
right, I want to meet those dancing ass clowns. Okay, here's where my plan gets
interesting. They set up the meeting or what not, and I act like I'm all giddy and stuff
and then when security leaves. I WHIP a retractable club out of my pocket and bounce on
Jordan, Danny, Joey, Donnie or whatever those foolios names are and beat them senseless.
They won't know what hit em. But because of sheer numbers, its most likely they will end
up pounding on me. But I'll break a few of their nails and I'll get my share of licks in.
And I'll die a happy man!
Well, I think it's time for me to go, but I have to tell you one last thing. If you hear
of N'Sync catching a beat down, don't tell on me...seriously.
-Another idea I have involves Survivor the TV show. It
will involve me showing my stomach and how sickly skinny I am. And how if I had to go on
that show I'd never make it a day cause I'd starve to death. I'd have to eat sand or
something. Then I rip off something about, shit I'd have to learn how to eat pussy. End of
show.
Well, that's all I have so far, I know the ending sucks
complete ass and there's some parts that aren't complete. But I figured if this isn't
funny, then why go on? Well, now the ball is in your court, do me a favor and hit up the
GYEAH.com message boards and tell me what ya think, don't worry I can take criticsm:
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