| Check this scenario:
it‘s a Saturday night, you’re bored, got a plate full of nachos, and a remote
that gives you access to a bunch of channels full of shit. What the hell is up?
That’s when you hop into the nearest vehicle and make your way to the local video
store for some evening entertainment. The
above scenario has played out for me (sadly) on many occasions. But there is a perk:
I’ve been able to see my share of movies and thanks to that I can write up this
article. Okay, back to the point at hand, when I go to rent a movie, my initial intent is
to get one that is...oh I don’t know...decent. “But how would you know which
ones are decent if you haven’t seen them yet,” you ask. Well, I either do one of
two things: 1) I go by past experience with either the actor or director or even sequels
to give me a basis, or 2) I base my selection(s) purely off of hype that I am subjected to
from friends, family, and the media. In most cases, my method works well and I end up with
a memorable--or at least tolerable--movie to watch while I wallow in self-pity and creamy
nacho cheese. BUT! There are those rare occasions when I am suckered into renting a video
that sorely fails to meet the previously established expectations...which is why I have
concocted:
The Top 10 Most Disappointing Movies of ALL TIME
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Well, lets not beat around the bush...
 Number 10. K-Pax
Granted, I didn’t see this movie on home video, but the point still stands. This was
a very over-hyped film, and the damned trailer-makers are to blame. It looked so
interesting...some alien comes to Earth and shares his vast knowledge with us primitive
morons. So I go to the theatre to check it out. Initially, it’s slow as all hell.
Then it picks up with the cool alien stuff...y’know, he eats the banana, peel and
all. But I get to the end and I find out the biggest disappointment of all...he’s NOT
an alien, just a nutcase. WHAT A CROCK! I come to see a kickin’ alien flick and it
ends up he’s nothing more than a special ed. retard who has identity problems. And I
thought he traveled through light waves...damned media.
 Number 9. The
Exorcist
Now I’m sure I’ll catch grief for this one. “What?! The Exorcist is one of
the best horror flicks ever!” Give me a break. THIS movie deserves an over-hyped
award, both by media and friends. Everyone blabs on about how scary this movie is...but
let me ask you something: When was the last time you saw it? What about it can you
remember other than the girl puking pea soup and spinning her head around? Not much, huh?
Unless you are devoted fan, you likely haven’t seen the damn flick since you were 10
and the only part that sticks out in your mind is where she pees in the floor. Do you
recall the ending? Hell no. ‘Cause it’s a wonder it made it off the cutting room
table. Nothing about the movie was scary unless you seriously entertain the idea of
demonic possession. The makeup was cool, but that’s it. It got a big fat thumbs down
from me.
 8.
The Next Karate Kid
This one was a serious disappointment. After the legacy that Mr. Myagi had built with the
REAL Karate Kid, Daniel-san, he had to go and blow it on some “trouble-maker gone
saint” of a girl with big boobs. This movie HAD to be a product of some women’s
lib organization. The girl in distress fights back against some bully who hits on her
(both sexually and physically as it turns out) and even manages to show-up her very large
boyfriend, even though she was about the equivalent of 115 lbs. What a load. Daniel-san
was a Karate Kid. That chick just looked hot (whoa did that change when she got tiny and
started looking like a little boy). I say BOOOO to this blemish on the face of the Karate
Kid name.
 7. Ravenous
When I saw the trailer for this one on TV, I was ecstatic. A movie about cannibals...what
could possibly be better? Turns out, just about anything. Slow pace...cruddy
plot...annoying actors...just a big winner all around. After I hit the “eject”
button I almost cried. The devil is a great deceiver...and the devil is hype. But, on a
good note, both of the stupid main characters (who looked strangely similar) died in the
end, so I was appeased. From now on I’ll stick to Mr. Lecter for my cannibal movies.
 6. Armageddon
What can I say about this one? Promoted as a kickass end of times movie where the heroes
save the day...turned out to be a sappy love story with a plot worth dick. 90% of the
movie the homos are Earthbound. When they finally get to space, the have the ever
predictable conflict...then they plant the bomb or whatever...and one of them sacrifices
his life for the sake of the others. Blah blah blah. Crap.
 5. The Shadow
Now I thought surely that a movie about such a cool dude would kick. I mean he can travel
unseen in the shadows and beat the living hell out of anyone he wants. I didn’t even
make it through the entire movie. I got SO bored that I hit “power” and watched
“Win Lose or Draw” reruns. It was pitiful slapping together of special effects
that could have honestly been made into a fairly good film. But since when does the
quality of the show matter? So long as we have an abundance of special fx then its a box
office hit.
 4. Tomb Raider
Angelina Jolie is hot. VERY hot. Specifically, so hot that I had to see Tomb Raider. It
was almost a complete loss. First off, I found out quickly that if you didn’t like
the game, you weren’t able to understand jack about the movie. Secondly, I realized,
again, that a bunch of special fx can’t make up for a crappy movie. SO much hype on
TV...way too much. But Angelina.....*drool*. Like I said, it was ALMOST a complete loss. I
did manage to sneak a peak at her in very little clothing, so I came out with mixed
emotions. Sure the movie sucked royally...but her boobs were SO nice. That’s what
happens when hormones collide with taste.
 3. Shadow of the Vampire
I love vampires. I’ve always been an avid fan of ALL vampire movies, even some of the
sillier ones (come on...you have to admit that Buffy was hot). So you can only imagine my
surprise when I saw the previews for “Shadow of the Vampire.” I saw Nosferatu
slither across the screen and I was ready hit the couch and remain in a near comatose
state until the end. I didn’t make it. That’s right. I didn’t even make it
to the end. I’ve never seen such a piece of shit movie. It was solely about the
making of a film and the actor playing the vampire was supposed to be a real vampire. It
sucked harder than a junkie dyin’ for a fix. There were, at best, two scenes that
even resembled a vampire movie. That’s it. I almost wrote the production company,
writers, and director and told them that they had forever tainted my love for vampirism.
Bastards.
 2. Scary Movie
Funny, huh? Is that what that was supposed to be? I thought it was going more for
“Incredibly stupid and nauseatingly unentertaining.” As far as the latter goes,
it did well. But for the whole “funny” thing...well...it wasn’t. The Wayans
brothers had something golden back with “In Living Color,” but man-oh-man did
they hit rock bottom with this suck-fest premier. And as if it wasn’t bad enough on
its own, they went and made a sequel, which allowed for TWICE the gratuitous retardation.
My message to the Wayans brothers: Quit making crap. Stick to TV.
 1.
Jeepers Creepers
Well, this became a fast favorite amongst many of my friends shortly after its release. I
kept hearing about how cool and terrifying it was. People couldn’t shut up about it,
talking about how they were afraid to sleep alone for a week after watching it. One of my
friends even went so far as to elaborate on the above mentioned by saying that her sister,
one of the roughest, toughest girls this side of the Mississippi, shivered like a newborn
when she left the theatre. Needless to say, that sold me. I ran down to the video place,
grabbed up one of the quickly disappearing copies, and rushed back home, anticipating on
helluva sleepless night. I slept like a baby. Not just because I wasn’t scared in the
least, but because I laughed so hard during the film that I wore myself out. What a corny,
sorry excuse for horror! The evil villain drove around some old van that looked like a
rusted out ice-cream truck and he had a whole arsenal of surgical equipment in the back,
which he used to extract human organs. Why? Get this: he had to devour the organs so that
his corresponding organ would regenerate. BAHAHAHA! Is it just me, or does this sound like
a third-grader’s story line? Not only was the plot bunk...but the director obviously
either knew shit about making horror...or just didn’t care. He showed the bad
guy’s face WAY too much, to the point it was just funny looking (especially at the
end when it plagiarized “Predator“). He also rarely showed the bad dude in
action...only once showing him eating the limb of a cop. It was great near the end cause
this demon thing was running and flying (yes FLYING) around naked. Obviously he never had
to devour genitalia or intestines, since he had no peter nor an ass. What a joke! This
movie gets two dismembered thumbs down.
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