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F*ck Jay & Silent Bob! A Review by |
| "F*ck Jay &
Silent Bob, F*ck Them Up Their Stupid Asses!," these words are typed on the internet
in disgust concerning Jay & Silent Bob's Bluntman & Chronic movie, and surprisingly
I feel they couldn't be more fitting for my review of the latest Kevin Smith movie. What
I've just typed would seem blasphemy to me just a mere 12 hours ago, but I've recently
been led astray of the word of Smith, and am thankfully he's retiring the Jersey crew. I still can't believe how far I've come after just two hours and 12 dollars at the movie theater. For years I've been a Kevin Smith mark true and true. I was down with Clerks as soon as I could get my hands on it, and I consider it among my favorite movies of all-time. Then Mallrats and Chasing Amy came along, and I was just as down. Despite what critics thought, I considered Mallrats to be one of the funniest movies I've seen in years. Chasing Amy took a little while for me to mark out for, but Jason Lee made this movie easy to watch. Then Dogma was unleashed on the world, and personally I thought it was Smith's weakest film to date. Sure it had an all-star cast, sure it was about religion, but movies are more than just the main characters re-telling the plot over and over, and that's all I feel Dogma did. It had it's hilarious moments and some classic casting choices, but I consider it to be inferior to all other Smith products, even Clerks The Cartoon. Needless to say, I have every Smith movie on either VHS and DVD and even watched every talk show and interview he did all week leading up to the premiere. I was the epitome of a mark. I talked up this movie for months with my friends, and I was as giddy as a school girl that I was finally going to get the chance to see it. But that little school girl smile quickly disappeared as Kevin Smith threw me on the floor, shoved his sausage fingers up my skirt, took twelve bucks from me, and left me broke, disgusted, and crying. Okay, so I wasn't crying, but I could imagine some Smith fans were seriously considering it. Smith helped bring us the banter between Jason Lee and Jeremy London in Mallrats, between Jason Lee and Ben Affleck in Chasing Amy, Jason Lee and...ANYONE and it was classic. Smith brought us the classic scenes of Caitiln Bree having sex with a dead man in the bathroom, Brodie Bruce feeding Mr. Svenning some ass tasting pretzels, Silent Bob flying through the air, Banky Edwards watching in first horror then comedy as Alyssia Jones starts to get personal with another woman. The list goes on and on, but fear not, you're memory won't have to get any stronger for this movie as there isn't any one memorable scene that stands out from the others. But before I piss all over this movie anymore, let me break down the plot to those that were uninformed. The movie stars Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) as they attempt to stop the movie being made about their comic book likenesses, Bluntman and Chronic. It seems Banky Edwards (Jason Lee) sold the movie rights without consulting Jay & Bob, and now the film is being filmed by Miramax and a militant black filmmaker (Chris Rock). Due to the movie being made, much negative buzz has occurred on the internet. Kids and idiots from all over the world are taking pot shots at not only the characters in the movie, but Jay & Silent Bob themselves. The two Jersey boys are far from amused and vow that they will stop the filming of this movie and in turn silence the shit talkers. Along the way Jay attempts to give head to a nun, the boys get caught up with a band of spandex clad women, Jay falls in love, and a bumbling forest ranger is on their tail. Now anyone who's seen the trailers will be completely immune to all the humor I mentioned above. Sure you snickered the first time you saw the preview depicting these things, but after a week long media onsaulght, I was looking for some new humor...but that took about 30 minutes into the film to get some of that. And what humor I did get wasn't what I had come to expect. The reason I love movies like Amy and Clerks is not because of the actors in them, not because of the "hot" girls, not because Jay likes to smoke weed, F*CK THAT! What I loved was the witty banter back and forth between the characters, the conversations that would never occur in real life, but were just too damn well-thought out and interesting to not fall in love with. Case in point, The conversation about the Death Star and hiring contractors to build it. I'm not even a Star Wars fan and I still laugh at that scene. Or in Amy when Banky talks to...damn near anyone. Every quote Lee gets in that movie is pure classic. His horror stories about going down on a woman...pure comedy. Or in Mallrats his story about where to put his arm when he's sleeping with his girlfriend. Classic. But there are none of these moments anywhere near Jay & Silent Bob SB. Instead we get another Dude Where's My Car? but just with a much better cast. All the cameos and pop-ups by former Smith stars are good stuff, but they don't serve any purpose besides getting people in the movie theater to start talking louder and ruining what little decent dialogue there is in the movie. But don't get me wrong, this movie isn't a complete turd, not by any stretch of the imagination. It's not so much a horrid movie, as it is a horrid letdown. I compare it to Garth Brooks force-feeding the country music loving masses "great" CD after great CD and then pulling that pop music alter-identity shit. Okay, so I don't really compare it to that, but as I'm typing it seems like a suitable comparison. Don't get me wrong, you'll probably go to this movie and love it, I just know I didn't. I know Kevin Smith claims his humor is all "dick and fart jokes," but he's gone way over my tolerable threshold this time. But I know some of my friends loved American Pie 2, Dude Wheres My Car, and Tomcats so this film will find it's audience. To those of you with half a brain though, just sit there and enjoy your popcorn and Sprite and don't even bother listening until Ben Affleck or Chris Rock is in the frame, because those are the only highlights of the movie. Because of that and the reasons I stated above, I'm going to give this movie a somewhat low score, but I'm going to add an extra half star because I know that every Smith movie gets better with increased viewing. I'm just afraid I may have to watch this thing a thousand times before it gets any good...and I don't know if I'm man enough for that. Rating:  1/2 out of four. |
-Now that you've read something, he's written. Wouldn't you like to find out more about Goc? Here you go. |
